Matt Townsend of the Townsend Relationship Center reveals a few key steps to enjoy your spouse’s hobbies together.
Long-term relationships require mutual benefit.
o Long-term relationships require that both members benefit or we will look for benefit elsewhere.
o Make sure that the benefit really is felt both ways, not like this. He said, “We do both benefit, I let my wife go out fishing with me all day on the lake to read her book and when we return to camp I let her cook and eat the fish we caught during the day.” Her benefit is not always yours.
o Sometimes it’s more about being the right partner rather than having the perfect activity.
o Find things you share together or you’ll struggle keeping it together long-term.
Remember it’s about a priority…not a party.
o It’s really more about making your partner a priority that it is making the party a priority.
o Elevate the activity you are doing to the same level of importance you feel for your partner. I didn’t play Barbies with my daughter because I loved it but because I loved my daughter.
o On my radio show we talked about “What women really, truly want from their men”. In a nutshell all they really wanted was “to know that they matter…that they are the priority in the life of their partner.”
o Other ways to show they’re a priority.
Focus on the good… past, present and future.
• Tell him/her 50 things you really love about her.
• Reaffirm why you married them.
o Not making “time” for your relationship can be a dangerous sign that we no longer are friends or have anything in common.
Try everything three times
o The three try rule- I believe you should try everything 3 times before deciding not to do it. If they have sincerely tried it three times and don’t like it than they can agree to disagree agreeably about it.
o Many times you can’t love something you don’t really try.
o Things tend to get easier and more enjoyable the better you are at them.
o We used to walk to Bountiful everything Thanksgiving with my wife’s family. Literally 15 miles or so a year. The first few years killed me and eventually it became a very important, happy tradition.
o “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”.
Make it about togetherness not time management.
o Many times we don’t do things together because we’re trying to save time.
o We try to cut corners so as couples with kids we end up splitting up more and more to get more and more done.
o “Nothing is more useless than doing efficiently something that should not be done at all.”
o Story about when I was on a date with my wife. We were going to a movie and when I pulled up and saw a long line of people waiting for tickets. I pulled up front to drop her off so she could get in line and I could go park, a very efficient thing to do. She said no, I didn’t come on a date with you to go stand in line, so let’s just park together, walk to the theatre together and get in line together. I guess her goal was really to be together and mine was to really be efficient with time.
o Eventually you’re going to have nothing but time together … we better start practicing if we want to get used to it.
o Do things together that you might normally do separately
• Exercise or work out together
• Grocery Shopping
• Sporting activities
• Running Errands
• Dishes together…the kids never come around if you’re doing dishes.
Focus on your partner’s pleasure, not your pain
o Remember whatever you focus your attention on tends to grow.
o Christmas morning never gets boring because you have someone else to focus on, you’re kids and their surprises.
o Watch your partner closely and see what happens to them when they are doing what they love. See if you can’t just derive pleasure from watching them do something they really enjoy doing.
o Learn the history behind it their activity, figure out what it is about the activity that brings them such pleasure, try to get in their head for a while.
For More Information Contact:
Townsend Relationship Center
801-747-2121
www.stressedmarriage.com
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