Here’s how to help a closed book open up.
Have you ever felt like someone in your life, be it a child, a spouse, or a friend, is a locked vault when it comes to sharing their thoughts and feelings? You ask a question hoping to spark a conversation, and you get… crickets. Or maybe worse, defensiveness.
Whether you’re a parent wanting to connect with your child, a partner hoping to deepen intimacy, or just want more meaningful conversations, Studio 5 Relationship Contributor Dr. Matt Townsend shared five techniques to help you get people to open up without nagging, prying, or pushing them away.
Use Statements, Not Questions
One of the techniques Dr. Matt suggested is using statements instead of questions. He said, “A lot of us think if we want information, we go to questions. We learned that in like fourth grade or third grade, right?” But questions can often come across as judgmental. Instead, try making statements like, “Hey, you seem quiet,” or “I’ve noticed that you’ve been a little more distant today.” This approach can make the other person feel less judged and more comfortable opening up.
Dr. Matt emphasized, “For a question to be a question, there has to be inflection. All of those inflections are the same tonal quality as judgment.”
Get Comfortable with Silence
Dr. Matt emphasized the importance of getting comfortable with silence. He said, “If you’re not okay with it, then you’ll fill the void. Every time you fill up that void, they know they don’t have to.” By allowing silence, you create an invitation for the other person to share more.
He added, “Notice if I reflect and make a statement like, ‘You seem really quiet today,’ and then I just sit there. That space creates an invitation that they’ll generally take.”
Mirror the Emotions
Another technique is to mirror the emotions of the other person. Dr. Matt explained, “Part of mirroring is holding up a mirror so that the person that you’re talking to can see what they’re saying.” You can mirror the emotion, content, or even label the emotion to help the other person identify what they’re feeling.
He said, “You could mirror the emotion. ‘You sound frustrated.’ You could mirror the content. ‘It sounds like Mrs. Johnson’s taking you for a ride.'”
The Colombo Technique
Dr. Matt introduced the Colombo technique, inspired by the 1970s TV character Lieutenant Colombo. Colombo was a disheveled, seemingly bumbling detective who often appeared confused and unsure. Despite his appearance, he was incredibly sharp and used his perceived confusion to his advantage. Dr. Matt explained, “What if, as a parent, instead of you being the oracle of all knowledge, all wisdom, and all light, what if you just were a little bit more okay to be not sure?” By acting confused and curious, you allow the other person to take the lead in the conversation.
Colombo would often ask seemingly naive questions, which would disarm suspects and make them feel more comfortable revealing information. Dr. Matt suggested that parents and partners can use a similar approach. Try saying, “Normally you come in energetic and upbeat, and today you’re a little down. I’m confused. Talk to me.” This technique shifts the dynamic, making the other person feel like the expert and encouraging them to share more openly. By showing genuine curiosity and a willingness to understand, you create a safe space for deeper conversations.
Use Contrasting Statements
Finally, Dr. Matt suggested using contrasting statements to help clarify feelings. He said, “Sometimes people won’t speak because they have a dual feeling going on.” By acknowledging both sides of their feelings, you give them the freedom to express more.
He provided an example, “The kid that’s 18 might be afraid to move on and go to college and do all that stuff, and they might also be excited. So by having a contrast, you actually allow the person to react to what you’re saying with options.”
For more insights and guidance, consider joining Dr. Matt’s group coaching program, “Becoming One,” available at matttownsend.com.
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