If you’re parenting teens, you know it can be hard sometimes.
Parenting teenagers can often feel tricky, confusing, and even frustrating.
Parenting coach Andee Martineau shared hopeful reminders that can help parents feel more confident and effective in their roles.
Embracing the Messiness
Andee reminded us that teenage development is messy by design. She encouraged parents to embrace this phase, recognizing that even though it has its challenges, it can also be incredibly fun. “Even when the messy things happen, it can be so fun to help them figure out how to navigate things,” she said.
The Importance of Attachment
One of the most crucial aspects of parenting teenagers is understanding the importance of attachment. Andee explained, “Everything your teen does makes sense if you look at it through a lens of attachment.” She emphasized that the relationship between a parent and their teenager is the most important need, even more important than survival.
Treating Teenagers Like Humans
Andee highlighted the importance of treating teenagers with respect and understanding. “Treating these kids like humans. Like you would another adult,” she said. Establishing a working relationship with teenagers is essential for effective parenting.
Pushing Back is Part of Holding On
Teenagers are in the process of becoming their own person, which means they will often push back against their parents. Andee shared a personal anecdote to illustrate this point:
“My 17-year-old was ready to go to a play and wanted to be on time to see her cousins. I honked the horn to signal it was time to get in the car. When she got in, she said, ‘Mom, that really ticked me off that you honked the horn.’ Initially, it might seem disrespectful, but when viewed through the lens of attachment and development, it makes sense. She is becoming her own person and doesn’t want to be bossed around. I didn’t need to argue; I simply acknowledged her feelings by saying, ‘I get it. I understand why that would be annoying.’ This diffused the situation immediately.”
This story highlights how teenagers’ pushback is part of their development and attachment process. Recognizing this can help parents maintain a positive relationship even during challenging moments.
Understanding the Prefrontal Cortex
Andee pointed out that teenagers’ prefrontal cortexes are not fully developed until their mid-20s. This means their logic and reasoning are not at the same level as adults. “Women’s prefrontal cortexes are not developed fully till 25, and for men, it’s 30,” she explained.
Compliance is Not the Goal
While rules are necessary, Andee stressed that the relationship should always come first. “Compliance is not the goal. The relationship is,” she said. Maintaining a strong relationship with teenagers is crucial for having a positive impact and influence.
Being a Safe Parent
Andee reassured parents, “You don’t need to be the perfect parent, just the safe one.” Repairing the relationship after missteps is always possible.
The Power of Presence
Andee emphasized, “When you feel the most powerless, your presence is the most powerful.” Being present and supportive in the messy moments is essential for teenagers.
Find more from Andee @connectmethodparenting.
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