The mental load often falls on moms.
As the school year wraps up and summer looms, many moms find themselves juggling a mental checklist that never seems to end. From remembering teacher appreciation gifts to coordinating sports banquets and planning baby showers, the mental load can feel overwhelming—and often, it’s invisible.
This phenomenon, known as the mental load, is more than just a busy schedule. It’s a constant, behind-the-scenes effort to keep everything running smoothly. According to Studio 5 Relationship Contributor Dr. Matt Townsend, it’s time we start talking about it.
What Is the Mental Load?
Matt defined the mental load as: “The invisible workload in couples and families’ lives. It refers to the ongoing, often unseen mental effort it takes to manage a household, relationships, and family responsibilities.” Unlike physical chores, the mental load is about planning, anticipating, and remembering—tasks that are rarely acknowledged, but are essential to family life. It’s the emotional and cognitive labor that keeps everything afloat, and it disproportionately falls on women, especially mothers.
Why It’s a Problem
The mental load isn’t just tiring—it’s exhausting, and it can lead to serious emotional consequences. Matt explained: “It makes us burnout and it makes us have resentment.” When one partner carries the bulk of the mental load, it creates an imbalance that can lead to frustration, miscommunication, and even conflict.
Often, the partner not carrying the load doesn’t even realize it exists. “If you’ve never done it… how do you know how hard it is?” Matt asked. This lack of awareness is part of the problem. Without visibility, there’s no recognition. Without recognition, there’s no support.
Starting the Conversation
The first step to addressing the mental load is talking about it, but not during a fight or in a moment of stress. Matt recommended bringing it up calmly and constructively. “Let’s say, ‘Hey, I was watching Studio 5, and they were talking about this mental overload, and I’m feeling it,” he said. This opens the door to a meaningful conversation without blame or accusation. It’s about sharing feelings and experiences, not pointing fingers.
Tools for Communication
To make these conversations more effective, Matt suggested using metrics and reflective questions.
Use a Scale
Ask each other: “On a scale from 1 to 10, how emotionally overloaded do you feel right now?” This gives both partners a tangible way to express their stress levels and opens the door for empathy and support.
Ask Insightful Questions
- “What’s something you’re constantly thinking about that I might not even realize?”
- “Are there things you feel solely responsible for?”
- “In what areas do you feel like you’re always on call or expected to manage by default?”
These questions help uncover hidden responsibilities and foster mutual understanding.
Rebalancing the Load
Once the mental load is visible, the next step is to rebalance it. But this isn’t about asking for help—it’s about sharing ownership. “I don’t want you to help me. I want you to own something,” Matt said. This shift in mindset is crucial. When both partners take full responsibility for specific areas—like managing the kids’ sports schedules or handling medical appointments—it creates clarity and reduces stress.
Matt also encouraged parents to empower their children to take on age-appropriate responsibilities. This not only lightens the load, but also teaches kids valuable life skills.
Creating a New Normal
Rebalancing the mental load isn’t a one-time fix. It requires ongoing communication and adjustment. Matt recommended weekly check-ins to discuss what’s working, what’s not, and how each partner is feeling. “Even if it just offloads 30%, it’s going to feel better,” he explained. These regular conversations help couples stay connected, celebrate small wins, and continue building a partnership based on mutual respect and shared responsibility.
Why It Matters
Addressing the mental load isn’t just about reducing stress—it’s about strengthening relationships. When both partners are engaged and aware, they become more connected to each other and to their family. “It actually lets us become a deeper part of our family,” Matt emphasized.
By making the invisible visible, we can create a more balanced, supportive, and fulfilling home life for everyone.
Learn more from Matt at matttownsend.com.
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