Boys are falling behind. Here’s how you can support them at home.
For over a decade, researchers have been sounding the alarm: boys are struggling. From academic performance to emotional well-being and the transition into adulthood, boys are falling behind their female peers in ways that are both measurable and deeply concerning.
Despite the issue being raised years ago, it remains a hot topic today. A recent New York Times article revealed that 28% of boys aged 3 to 17 have a mental, emotional, or developmental problem. This isn’t just a statistic—it’s a wake-up call. Studio 5 Parenting Contributor Heather Johnson shared how to support your boys at home.
A Cultural Shift with Unintended Consequences
In a conversation on his podcast What Now?, Trevor Noah spoke with social psychologist Jonathan Haidt about the changing dynamics affecting boys: “Boys, of course, used to dominate. The world was made for boys and men. But as societies change, as physical strength no longer matters so much… that’s bad for men, good for women.”
As America has shifted toward a service-based economy, the traits traditionally associated with masculinity—physicality, stoicism, competitiveness—are no longer as valued. Meanwhile, girls are excelling in environments that reward communication, collaboration, and emotional intelligence. “Girls are outperforming boys at every level from kindergarten through PhD,” Haidt noted. “So boys are dropping out.”
The Home Front: Where Change Begins
While public policy and educational reform are important, Heather argued that the most powerful changes begin at home: “It doesn’t actually matter what happens [in programs] if in our homes we are not making changes.” Heather believes that parents—especially mothers—can play a pivotal role in reversing the trend.
Why Boys Are Struggling: A Closer Look
- Educational Environments That Don’t Fit
Traditional classroom settings often don’t align with how boys learn best. “Boys like hands-on, they like activities, they like doing. They don’t want to sit at a desk for eight hours,” Heather explained. This mismatch can lead to disengagement, frustration, and ultimately, underachievement.
- Emotional Confusion and Mixed Messages
Boys are receiving conflicting messages about how to express themselves. “For so long we’ve said, ‘Don’t cry. Be strong.’ Now we’re saying, ‘Be soft.’ There’s a confusion that comes with that,” Heather said. This emotional whiplash leaves many boys unsure of how to process or express their feelings, leading to internal conflict and behavioral issues.
- Misinterpreting Behavior as Defiance
When boys act out, it’s often a cry for help—not a sign of rebellion. “They tend to get loud. They tend to withdraw. They tend to get angry… and we don’t know how to handle that,” Heather emphasized. Too often, these behaviors are met with punishment rather than understanding, which only deepens the problem.
What Parents Can Do: Practical, Compassionate Solutions
Let Boys Be Boys
Rather than trying to reshape boys into something they’re not, Heather encouraged parents to embrace their natural tendencies: “Instead of turning them more into girls… let’s just teach them to understand girls and instead allow them to have those parts.” This means creating environments—at home and in school—that play to boys’ strengths and learning styles.
Teach Skills, Don’t Punish
When boys struggle, it’s often because they lack the necessary skills—not because they’re choosing to misbehave. “If they’re struggling, it’s because they don’t have the skills they need to do it differently,” Heather explained. She urged parents to move away from outdated reward-and-punishment systems and toward skill-building approaches that foster long-term growth.
Communicate Differently
Boys process emotions and conversations differently than girls. Heater offered this advice: “Ask your son a question… then let it be quiet for a minute. They don’t process what we’re asking as quickly as girls do.” She also recommended tying conversations to activities—like playing basketball or cooking together—to create a more natural and less pressured environment for dialogue.
Avoid Labels and Public Shaming
Labeling boys as “difficult” or “disruptive” can have lasting negative effects. “If you give a dog a name, eventually he will answer to it… That is 100% true with our children,” Heather said. Correct behavior privately and with compassion. Public correction can lead to embarrassment and withdrawal, damaging the parent-child relationship.
Focus on Discipline as Teaching
True discipline isn’t about punishment—it’s about teaching. “Discipline means to teach. What our boys need the most is they need us to love them and teach them,” Heather emphasized. This means helping boys develop the emotional, social, and behavioral skills they need to thrive—not just in school, but in life.
A Final Word: We Can Do This
Raising boys in today’s world is undeniably challenging. But with empathy, understanding, and the right tools, parents can make a profound difference. “If they could do better, they would… Let’s help them develop the skills and let’s learn the skills we need to love them differently,” Heather emphasized. This isn’t just about helping boys succeed—it’s about helping them feel seen, understood, and valued for who they are.
To contact Heather for counseling, email blog.familyvolley@gmail.com, or visit www.familyvolley.blogspot.com.
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