Mindfulness is a word we’ve heard a lot about in recent years. But Dr. Liz Hale says there’s an angle to this practice that hasn’t been fully explored.
Instead of approaching mindfulness as it relates to our individual perspective, what if we applied it to our relationships?
I have been a marriage therapist for over 34 years and a marriage contributor on Studio 5 for 19 years. I’ve seen a lot during this time. As I reflect on the state of the marital union, one thing is clear: connection has never felt more precious—or more critical. We’ve never wanted more from our relationships—not just our romantic ones, but also from our friends, family, and children. Today, intimacy is life’s Holy Grail.
Terry Real, a seasoned family therapist and author with over 40 years of experience, offers a conclusion about healthy relationships: Relational Mindfulness. It moves us beyond our knee-jerk, automatic responses from the “child” part of us into thoughtful, considered responses from the “wise adult” part.
As a marriage therapist, I haven’t always given much credit to the concept of “inner child work,” but that has shifted over the past few years.
Here’s what I can wrap my mind around: maturity comes from managing my own inner world (which may include my inner child) without foisting it onto my husband to manage. I love teaching clients to ask themselves this question whenever their relationship goes off the rails: “How old am I right now?”
There isn’t just one presenting problem in couples therapy—there are two: Partner A’s reality and Partner B’s reality. And those realities are subjective, not objective. The blame lies in the pattern, not the people. The more, the more. The more she pursues or criticizes, the more he distances. And the more he distances, the more she pursues or criticizes. The pattern eats up all the closeness and warmth between them. It’s like rust—or cancer.
The Real Work of Relationships
Move Beyond the Automatic
We all know relationships take work, but few of us truly understand the nature of that work. The real work of relationships is not occasional—or even daily—it’s minute-to-minute. In any triggered moment, ask yourself, “Which path am I going to take?” Rather than being overridden by your history, stop, pause, and choose… connection.
With training and practice, we can change our knee-jerk reactions. We can shift from being reactive individuals to proactive teammates. This everyday practice is Relational Mindfulness: observing the thoughts, feelings, and impulses that arise—and choosing something different.
The brain is a social organ, and our relationships are not a luxury but an essential nutrient for survival. Our lifeblood is connection.
In our closest relationships, urgency is our enemy and breath is our friend. Breathing can physiologically change your heart rate and your thinking. Adult timeouts are crucial.
Determine the Dysfunctional Stance
Most of us operate from our wise adult selves at least 364 days a year. But on that one off day—where do you tend to go?
Your dysfunctional relational stance is what your inner child keeps repeating, unconstructively, in your relationships—pursuing, withdrawing, pleasing, complaining, controlling, criticizing. If you’re unsure how to label your stance, no problem. Just ask your partner—they’ll surely be able to help!
A dysfunctional stance will never get you what you want. Take “angry pursuit,” for example. It’s an oxymoron. You rarely get closer to your partner by getting mad about how distant they are. Angry pursuit is not magnetizing.
Start by Changing Yourself
I invite each of us to commit to changing one habitual relational behavior—complaining, controlling, criticizing, stonewalling. Declare a moratorium on trying to change the other person, and instead, try something that surprises even you.
We want the weak to rise and the mighty to melt.
If you’re used to taking big, puffed-up positions—anger, indignation, control—lighten up. Go soft. Reach for vulnerability. Lead with that.
“I’m angry” becomes “I’m hurt.”
If you’ve been frightened, find your voice. Speak up. Assert yourself with love toward your partner and care for the relationship. We call this soft power.
If you want more kindness, be kind. More laughter—be funny. Experiment with new moves and see what they bring.
Remain Above the Line of Respect
For some, taking good care of our relationships will mean standing up for ourselves. For others, it will mean learning to stand down. Both require stepping into vulnerability.
Start here: Swear off unkindness. Swear off disrespect. Before you speak, ask yourself:
“Does what I’m about to say fall below the line of basic respect? Is there a chance my partner will experience it that way?”
Terry Real invites his clients to take the following pledge:
“Come hell or high water, I will not indulge in words or behaviors that are disrespectful to any other human being. And neither will I sit passively by if someone is disrespectful to me. I will ask them to speak differently to me, or I will break the interaction and leave. In either direction—dishing it out or taking it in—I am right now swearing off disrespectful behavior. I am developing the skills of soft power, speaking up, and explicitly cherishing my partner at the same time.”
There is nothing that harshness does that loving firmness doesn’t do better. One of my favorite reparative tools:
“I want to clear the air so I can feel closer to you.”
About Dr. Liz Hale
Dr. Liz Hale is the Studio 5 Marriage & Family Coordinator. She is passionate about helping relationships survive and thrive and works hard to keep her own relationships healthy and strong. (But don’t stand in the way of her daily, sanity-maintaining brisk walk—just ask her husband, Ben!)
While Dr. Liz always thought she’d grow up to be a nurse like her mother, it was actually her mother who, unknowingly, directed her toward psychology by bringing her to motivational speakers like Zig Ziglar as early as the 6th grade. Learning early about the power of the mind became the foundation for her eventual doctorate in Clinical Psychology. (And it’s a good thing—she faints at the sight of blood!)
For over three decades, Dr. Liz has specialized in marriage and family therapy, working with couples and families in her private practices in both Seattle and downtown Salt Lake City. As a Certified Gottman Therapist, she thrives on helping clients learn effective new ways of being in their relationships. According to her, communication is never the problem; misperceptions are. There’s nothing more rewarding than when a client says, “I’ve never seen it—him—her—that way before.”
When asked about her greatest achievement, she enthusiastically replies that it’s her happy marriage to Ben Abo, which they work on every… single… day (whether Ben wants to or not!).
Having married later in life, Dr. Liz is committed to doing whatever it takes to make her marriage thrive, not just survive—and she’s passionate about helping other couples do the same. According to Dr. Liz, there is no greater honor than when a client trusts her enough to share their heart and soul in the “sacred space” of her therapy office.
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