Many families are seeing adult children pull away from their parents.
Studio 5 Parenting Contributor Heather Johnson addressed a topic that is quietly affecting millions of families: estrangement between adult children and their parents. She explained why unnecessary estrangement is happening too often, and it is tearing families apart. Her message is bold, compassionate, and unflinching.
A Cultural Shift: From Loyalty to Individuality
At the heart of this issue, Heather explained, is a dramatic shift in family values. “We’ve let go of the fact that there’s any owing or loyalty that connects us,” she said. This shift has led many adult children to believe that if their parents aren’t actively contributing to their happiness, the relationship is dispensable.
Heather challenged this mindset, stating, “It isn’t acceptable. It’s not living the values that we continue to say we believe in—and it’s hurting us.”
A New Era in Family Dynamics
Heather pointed out that this is the first time in U.S. history where children—not parents—are setting the rules for family relationships. “Up to this point in U.S. families, parents make the rules… Right now, we are in uncharted waters where children are deciding those things,” she said. This reversal has profound implications. Where once children sought to earn their parents’ love and respect, today’s parents are often expected to earn it from their adult children.
The Pain of Being Cut Off
For parents and grandparents, estrangement is not just painful—it is identity-shattering. “We love them. We have sacrificed for them tirelessly… Our identity and our self-worth is tied to parenting,” Heather said. The pain is compounded by embarrassment and shame, which often keeps parents silent.
Heather offered reassurance, saying, “Your children can make that decision. And also, you were still a great parent.”
What Parents Can Do: Empathy and Accountability
Heather didn’t sugarcoat the path forward. Healing requires deep emotional work, starting with empathy. “It is wrong to not empathize with your child’s wish that they had been raised differently,” she said.
Empathy, she explained, is not about agreeing on facts—it is about connecting over feelings. “Empathy is when we consider, have I ever felt the things you might be feeling?” she added. This means letting go of the need to defend intentions or correct a child’s version of events, and instead focusing on the emotional truth they are expressing.
Sacrifice Doesn’t Entitle You to Connection
One of the hardest truths Heather shared was that parental sacrifice doesn’t guarantee a relationship. “Just because I paid for your college… that doesn’t mean I get to see my grandkids,” she said.
Parents, she urged, must resist the urge to guilt, criticize, or argue for fairness. “That guilt will not bring them closer,” she warned. Criticism—especially of their spouse or therapist—is counterproductive. While “it isn’t fair,” Heather emphasized, “that won’t bring them closer either.”
Pain vs. Suffering: A Crucial Distinction
Heather encouraged parents to separate pain from suffering. “Pain is real. Suffering is what we tell ourselves about pain,” she said. Suffering comes from internal narratives like “I was a horrible mother” or “It’s all my fault.” She acknowledged the pain of estrangement, but urged parents not to compound it with self-blame.
Forgiveness and Radical Acceptance
Forgiveness, Heather said, begins when we stopped trying to rewrite the past. “Forgiveness starts to take hold when we stop hoping that the past is going to show up differently,” she explained. It isn’t about waiting for a child to change—it is about choosing to forgive for one’s own peace. This leads to what she called “radical acceptance.”
“It’s ugly. We don’t like it. We disagree with it. And yet it is here,” she said. Radical acceptance means acknowledging the reality of estrangement and choosing to move forward anyway—finding joy, building new relationships, and not letting someone else’s choices sideline your life.
The Long Game: Patience and Hope
Reconciliation, if it comes, is a long process. Heather urged patience, saying, “This usually requires years and years… of being empathetic, years of taking accountability.”
While not guaranteed, there is hope. “When we look at adult children who have chosen estrangement, we actually find that down the road, most of them regret it,” she said.
All Nine Innings
Estrangement is not a short game. It is a long, painful, and often lonely journey. But with empathy, accountability, and radical acceptance, healing is possible. “We need all nine innings here, and we’re grateful for every inning,” Heather concluded. For those navigating this difficult path, you are not alone, and your story is not over.
To contact Heather for counseling, email blog.familyvolley@gmail.com, or visit www.familyvolley.blogspot.com.
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