Before Your Child Marries

Many times a really strong question with a listening ear is a faster way to influence your child’s decision, then to have all of the answers and a non-listening ear. Here are three questions to get the conversation going.

1. What does a marriage commitment really mean to you and what are you willing to give up for it?

Everything in life has a cost and nothing carries a bigger price than the cost of the person we marry. By discussing with your child about what a marriage commitment really means to them, you can get a better chance to understand how prepared they really are to be married. Perhaps you could also ask some follow up questions, like what does “through sickness and in health mean to them?” How about through “good times and bad, through thick and through thin?” These phrases are all very common parts of the vows that people make when getting married. Discuss with your child what they are going to lose when they decide to get married and especially focus in with them on any fears or concerns they might have over getting married.

2. How do you feel about yourself when you are with your significant other?

One of the best signs that a long-term relationship is going to work is by determining how you feel about yourself when you are with the person of your dreams. In the end it really may not matter as much about how you feel about the other as how you feel about yourself when you’re with the other person. Listen for some telltale signs that your child really feels a strong sense of self and personal worth when she is with the other person. Listen for comments like “they make me feel like I can do anything”. Notice if they seem more confident about their life and always trust more the actions they are taking in their life (education, occupation and living core values) over what they say about how they feel. In the end, the greatest thing any parent can hope to have their future son or daughter-in-law bring to your child is a stronger sense of self-worth and self-esteem.

3. What are your biggest life dreams and goals and how does your fiancé fit into those goals?

The goal of this question is to become a “partner” with your child in their choice of a partner. Many parents end up arguing with their children over who they’re going to marry, but with this question we can help our children to “begin with the end in mind”. By having your child discuss their biggest dreams and goals and how their “marriage” would fit into those goals, we allow our children to look at the bigger picture of their life. We also encourage them to be able to draw their own connections between their future life and their future spouse, which allows us to be supportive instead confrontational.