Parents need to look beyond success for their kids.
Every parent wants their child to succeed. We cheer from the sidelines, help with science fair projects, and stress about their grades and goals. But if we focus too hard on their future wins, we may forget to see the incredible people they are right now.
In today’s world, where achievements and accolades are highly valued, it’s easy to overlook the small, quiet victories that truly define our children’s character. These moments of kindness, perseverance, and compassion are just as important, if not more so, than traditional measures of success.
Author and speaker Hank Smith emphasized the importance of recognizing attributes that are more important than success. His perspective is a reminder to parents everywhere to appreciate the journey and the growth of their children, rather than just the end results.
The Trap of Success
Hank reflected on his own experiences as a parent, saying, “I 100% fell into the trap of frequently pointing out where my children could do better instead of actually seeing for myself how far they’ve already come.” He reassured parents that this is a common parenting style influenced by our culture.
Redefining Success
As parents, we often talk about wanting our children to be successful. But Hank asked, “When we say successful, what are we really telling our kids?” He explained that success comes with a lot of cultural baggage. “Success has kind of been defined for us by our environment,” he said. Hank shared an example from Dr. Anthony Sweat, who noted that when we think of a successful high school student, we often imagine someone who is good-looking, popular, and athletic. Rarely do we think of qualities like kindness, compassion, or perseverance.
Avoiding Toxic Self-Worth
Hank warned about the dangers of projecting our self-worth onto our children. “This is where it can get pretty toxic,” he said. He explained that using our children as objects to showcase our success can build resentment and perpetuate negative patterns across generations.
Focusing on Characteristics
In Hank’s household, they try to tie the word success to characteristics rather than outcomes. “We praise good grades, but we really focus on effort,” he said.
Focusing on characteristics helps children understand that their worth is not solely tied to their achievements. Hank explained, “We really want to focus on how our children treat their teammates, receive feedback, and behave when they win.” These qualities are crucial for personal development and can lead to long-term success and happiness.
When children learn to value effort and character over outcomes, they build a strong foundation for future challenges. Hank shared, “If my son is in a difficult class and works hard but gets a C minus, he might feel unsuccessful. But if he’s tied success to characteristics, he can walk out with confidence, knowing he worked as hard as he possibly could.”
Private Victories
Hank introduced the concept of private victories, which are the unseen efforts that lead to public success. He often used the analogy of a tree, explaining, “The beauty of the fruit comes from the roots, which no one can see.” By focusing on the roots, or private victories, the public fruit takes care of itself.
Hank encouraged parents to start small and be mindful. “Work on noticing when you praised an outcome instead of a characteristic,” he advised. He suggested pointing out and rewarding children’s personal versions of excellence, rather than just criticizing them. Appreciate the quiet victories and focus on the characteristics that truly define success. By doing so, we can become more attuned, responsive, and engaged parents, helping our children grow into extraordinary individuals.
Find more inspiration from Hank on Instagram, @hankrsmith or on his website, hanksmith.com.
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