A learning conversation can ease your anxiety about interactions you need to have.
If you avoid tough conversations like the plague, you are not alone. Whether it’s with a friend, spouse, neighbor, or even your boss, it’s normal to shy away from confrontation. But if you don’t want to confront, and you don’t want to avoid, what do you do?
Chelsea Anderson believes there’s one more option: a learning conversation. This easy approach can turn difficult discussions into opportunities for growth.
What is a Learning Conversation?
Chelsea explained that a learning conversation is a “secret third option” when faced with uncomfortable situations. She noted, “Usually, we feel like we have to either avoid it entirely or confront someone. But a learning conversation offers this more low-stakes way to gather information without making accusations of another person or even of ourselves.”
For instance, if you were left out of an important meeting, you might think, “I wasn’t important enough,” or “Someone didn’t want me there.” These assumptions can lead to either confrontation or avoidance. However, a learning conversation allows you to simply ask why, aiming to gather information without making assumptions.
The Importance of Curiosity
Curiosity plays a crucial role in learning conversations. Chelsea emphasized, “Curiosity is really coming from a place of, ‘Hey, I wasn’t in that meeting. I kind of wanted to be there. Is there more context that I need?'” This approach removes accusations and focuses on gathering information, making the other person feel less defensive.
Overcoming Awkwardness
Feeling awkward or inappropriate when asking questions is common. Chelsea explained that this awkwardness often stems from a fear that our identity is at risk. She suggested developing an “and stance” to overcome this fear. For example, you can think, “I can not be in every meeting and be valued at this company,” or “I can be good at my job and not have been needed in this situation.” This balance helps reduce the perceived risk and makes the conversation feel less awkward.
As Chelsea noted, “It’s not so black and white. Having that ‘and stance’ helps the conversation feel less awkward because there’s less at risk.”
Common Mistakes in Learning Conversations
One common mistake is assuming that the other person will automatically understand and be on the same page. Chelsea advised, “Sometimes you might go into a learning conversation that’s going to be difficult for two people. Maybe there is hurt or tension on both sides.” It’s important not to take it personally if the other person isn’t immediately receptive.
Another mistake is making assumptions even when asking questions. Chelsea recommended stripping back assumptions and asking true questions about the situation. Additionally, understanding why a conversation is upsetting for you can help you approach it with an “and stance,” reducing anxiety and making the conversation less daunting.
Personal Benefits of Learning Conversations
Chelsea shared how learning conversations have helped her personally, particularly with anxiety. She said, “I’m not a confrontational person, and I think there were so many times when I just didn’t investigate a situation because I was afraid of what I would find out about myself.” By adopting a learning conversation approach, she has been able to reduce anxiety and avoid the stress of constantly judging herself.
She explained, “Now I kind of understand not every action and every conversation defines me.” This realization has helped her avoid the flip-flopping between thinking she’s a good or bad person, friend, or employee, which can be very stressful.
Learning conversations are a powerful way to address difficult discussions without confrontation or avoidance.
For more insights from Chelsea, you can follow her on Instagram at @chelsea_explains, and on TikTok at @chelseaexplainsitall.
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