Relationship Coach Matt Townsend outlines five ideas to help adapt to having children out of the house and going back to just you and your spouse.
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1. “Marriage Time” is not “Family Time”
• That sounds like blasphemy but marriages don’t grow accidentally. Empty nestors suffer because the marriage has been neglected.
• You’ve trained your kids to think they’re more important than the marriage…Don’t make that mistake again.
• Get Busy- Join clubs, dinner groups, find friends with similar hobbies
• Take classes together
• Learn to Say “no”
• Do stuff together
• Plan time to be with each other.
• Invest time in classes that reconnect you.
Schedule tending time for your grandkids well ahead of time
2. Focus on What Works and Build From There
• Most focus on what is broken and getting good at what is broken usually keeps us broken
• Focus on what is good.
• Past, Present and Future
• What did you used to do back when you were most happy together.
o Activities, hobbies, walks, dates, travel
3. Learn To Really Talk To Each Other
• In my workshops, I’ve learned we don’t even know how to connect with one another any more.
• You’ve had many years of bad habits of pursuing and withdrawing from conversations.
• I believe everything is created through interaction.
• If we interact negatively with each other we feel negative, but if we don’t interact at all what do we feel? Probably nothing.
• Take classes, stretch your comfort level
• There are great books that have 300 questions for couples…get the book and start talking about the answers together.
• You used to be able to talk to everyone else but now you have no one else to talk to.
• Get some talking chairs and sit and face each other and talk for 20 minutes a day. Positive and connecting.
4. Formalize Some Loving Rituals
• Research shows the strongest couples are the ones who have formalized rituals or consistent loving traditions.
• Loving traditions to connect
• Hello’s and goodbyes, cuddling, date nights, favorite shows, gardening, etc.
• Rituals- I recommend 5 a day 2 a week and 2 a month.
• Renew Romance…men need 3 times more touch than women do and women yearn for intimacy with their partner.
5. Create a New Shared Vision
• What do you want your relationship to look like in 10, 20 and thirty years from now.
• How do you want to impact the world together.
• How do you want to both be remembered?
• What is the most important thing you can both do right now to dramatically improve your marriage?
• Marriage focused rather than family focused.
• Do it!
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Matt Townsend is relationship coach with Marriage Matters, where he offers help and workshops for marriage and families. You can contact him through his website at www.marriagemattersutah.com
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