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‘Everybody wants more positive.’ 6 ways to speak more positively to your kids

Be more positive with your parenting.

It’s called “the magic ratio” and it works like magic. According to relationship researcher John Gottman, it takes five positive comments to outweigh one negative one.

Studio 5 Parenting Contributor Heather Johnson says parents should use that 5:1 ratio to their advantage. She shares how to be more mindful of what’s exiting your mouth, because the more positive it is, the better your family relationships will be.

 

Building Strong Foundations

Positive interactions do more than just create a pleasant atmosphere; they build a solid foundation for handling difficult conversations. Heather noted, “When we work hard to build those relationships, it gives us the foundation so that when we do need to say the hard things, we’ve got that really great foundation that can support.” This approach not only strengthens bonds, but also boosts children’s self-image and encourages better behavior.

Overcoming Negative Tendencies

Parents often default to negative comments, especially when stressed or embarrassed. Heather acknowledged this challenge, stating, “We tend to trend negative unless we work hard to trend positive.” She encouraged parents to focus on positive reinforcement, which can lead to better behaviors in children.

Strategies for Positive Parenting

  1. Check Your Intent, Tone, and Wording
    • Heather advised parents to be mindful of their intent, tone, and wording when communicating with their children. She suggested asking, “Are we offering up comments to our kids because we’re trying to help with solutions, or are we trying to criticize?”
  2. Actively Ignore Negative Behaviors
    • Instead of immediately correcting negative behaviors, Heather recommended actively ignoring them. She explained, “The attention that kids get from their parents is so powerful that they will do whatever they can to get more of that attention.” Put considerable effort into giving them positive attention so that’s what they seek.
  3. Focus on Behavior, Not Character
    • It’s crucial to address specific behaviors rather than labeling the child’s character. For example, instead of saying, “You’re lazy,” focus on the behavior by saying, “There might be room for you to pay more attention in certain ways.”
  4. Guide, Don’t Criticize
    • Heather emphasized the importance of guiding children towards positive behaviors rather than criticizing them for their shortcomings. She suggested, “Let’s you and I work together to see if we can’t sit still for a minute and take care of this math problem.”
  5. Be Positive After Corrections
    • Following corrections with positive reinforcement is essential. Heather advised, “Always follow it up with an increase of love.”
  6. Celebrate Small Wins
    • Focusing on small achievements rather than a long to-do list can foster a more positive environment. Heather encouraged parents to recognize and celebrate their children’s small victories.

Positive parenting, guided by the magic ratio of five positive comments to one negative, can transform family relationships. By being mindful of our words and focusing on positive reinforcement, we can build stronger, more supportive connections with our children. “Everybody wants more positive. We should give that to our kids,” said Heather.


To contact Heather for counseling, email blog.familyvolley@gmail.com, or visit www.familyvolley.blogspot.com.

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