Validating kids’ emotions is important, but it’s possible to do it too much.
Modern parenting often emphasizes understanding and validating children’s emotions.
Studio 5 Parenting Contributor Heather Johnson champions this approach, but raises an important question: can we focus on emotions too much?
The Pendulum Swing
Heather discussed the concept of pendulum swings in parenting, noting that extremes can be problematic. She stated, “We always want to keep in mind, in our families, we want to find a middle. You want that pendulum to just hang out right in the middle, the best that you can to keep a balance.”
The Challenge of Over-Emphasizing Emotions
Heather explained that constantly delving deep into emotions can lead to children shutting down. She said, “If every single time we talk to our teenagers and our kids, we are asking them to go that deep, that is really, really challenging.”
Creating Check-Ins
Heather suggested creating check-ins as a way to balance emotional discussions with children. She explained that these check-ins can be both formal and informal. For example, you might set aside a specific time each day to ask your child about their feelings, such as, “Tell me how you’re really feeling about school.” This regular but not constant approach helps children understand that while their emotions are important, they don’t need to be the focus of every conversation. Heather emphasized that this method allows children to anticipate emotional discussions without feeling overwhelmed by them.
Introspection and Action
Heather highlighted the importance of combining introspection with action. She believes that while it’s crucial to validate and understand emotions, it’s equally important to encourage children to take steps to address their feelings. She advised parents to first listen and empathize with their child’s emotions, and then ask, “What’s a really small step we could take to help improve this situation?” This approach helps children move from simply feeling their emotions to actively working through them. Heather noted, “Take the introspection, put it with the action, and it makes the conversations awesome with our kids and our teenagers.”
Physical Motion and Conversations
Engaging in physical activities while discussing emotions can make these conversations less intense and more natural. Heather suggested activities like cooking together, going for a walk, or playing a video game. These activities provide a more relaxed environment where children might feel more comfortable opening up. Heather explained, “One of the best ways, especially as our kids get older, to get them talking about how they feel is to do something not connected to that situation with them.” This method helps to reduce the pressure and makes emotional discussions feel less like an interrogation.
The Power of Pause
Heather underscored the importance of pausing when emotions become overwhelming. She advised parents to recognize signs that their child might be feeling too much, such as sighing or shutting down. When this happens, it’s beneficial to take a break and change the subject. Heather stated, “A pause is one of our most powerful capacities as a parent and in any relationship to be able to create a pause.” This pause allows both the parent and child to regroup and ensures that emotional discussions remain productive and not overwhelming.
To contact Heather for counseling, email blog.familyvolley@gmail.com, or visit www.familyvolley.blogspot.com.
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