A hard conversation doesn’t have to end badly.
Here’s a homework assignment: think of a difficult conversation you need to have, or one that didn’t go well. This conversation could be with anyone close to you, such as a spouse, adult child, sibling, or friend. Take a moment to identify this conversation.
Studio 5 Relationship Contributor Dr. Matt Townsend shared the necessary tools you need to take on this hard conversation with confidence. He shared practices that will help you minimize conflict and increase connection.
Managing Emotions
One of the primary issues in difficult conversations is emotion. Matt explained, “If a conversation is difficult, it’s inherently got an emotional issue around it.” We are emotional beings, and often, our reactions are driven by emotions rather than understanding them. This can lead to conversations turning sideways as emotions escalate.
To manage emotions effectively, Matt suggested several tools. He shared a personal example of a conflict with his adult child over rearranging the cupboards. The argument wasn’t about the cupboards, but about underlying emotions. He emphasized, “It’s never about what we think it’s about.”
Raising Yourself
Matt introduced a concept from influencer Matt Stussie: raising yourself. He explained, “When you were born, every one of us picked up a body, a human, that we now need to raise. It’s our job.” This means taking responsibility for your reactions and emotions. By owning your life and reactions, you can avoid feeling powerless and reactive.
Recognizing Learned Emotions
Understanding how you’ve learned to process emotions is crucial. Matt advised taking your present negative feeling and tracing it back to its earliest occurrence. For example, feeling disempowered during a conflict might stem from childhood experiences. This compassionate lens helps diffuse negative emotions and provides insight into their origins.
Exploring Your Story
We all tell stories to explain our emotions. Matt encouraged exploring these stories to understand their impact.
He asked, “Are you always saying you’re the victim? Are you always thinking everyone else is a narcissist?” Recognizing these patterns can help you understand the root of your emotions and change the narrative.
Attending to Hidden Triggers
Matt discussed the importance of identifying hidden triggers, which he refers to as vulnerabilities. These triggers often relate to feeling unloved, incapable, or like you don’t belong. By understanding these vulnerabilities, you can address the real issues behind your emotional reactions.
Informed Responses
Finally, Matt emphasized the importance of informed responses. He advised, “The more informed I get about how I process emotion and think about it, the better off I am.” By understanding your triggers and emotions, you can respond more thoughtfully and avoid escalating conflicts.
“The goal here is to conquer today by better understanding what happened yesterday, just to be better one bit at a time,” Matt concluded.
Find more advice from Matt at matttownsend.com.
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