Answering these questions honestly will help you improve your relationships.
Studio 5 Relationship Contributor Dr. Matt Townsend shared nine powerful questions designed to deepen connection and spark meaningful growth in relationships. These questions aren’t just for couples—they’re for anyone looking to improve how they show up in their relationships.
“Growth doesn’t happen on autopilot. It happens when we choose to look inward and stay curious.” — Dr. Matt Townsend
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What’s It Really Like to Be in a Relationship with You?
Self-awareness is the foundation of emotional intelligence. Dr. Matt challenged us to ask: “What is it really like to be your friend? Your partner?” Understanding how others experience us can be eye-opening and transformative.
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Do You Listen to Understand or Just to Respond?
“Are you actually just performing and preparing your next speech, or are you listening to actually understand your partner?” Dr. Matt asked. True listening means absorbing what your partner is saying without immediately planning your rebuttal. It’s about growing in understanding every day.
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Do You Give Your Partner the Same Grace You Give Yourself?
Grace, defined by Dr. Matt as, “the greatest good,” is essential in relationships. “Do you offer the greatest good to your partner that you offer to yourself?” This question invites reflection on fairness, empathy, and compassion.
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Do You Have an Open and Teachable Heart?
Being teachable means being open to feedback and growth. “Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could actually be open and teachable?” Dr. Matt said. A teachable heart fosters mutual respect and continuous improvement in a relationship.
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Can You Be Vulnerable Without Feeling the Need to Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Please?
Vulnerability is the gateway to intimacy. “About 60% of people have a hard time being vulnerable with their partner,” Dr. Matt said. Understanding your attachment style can help you overcome barriers to closeness.
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Do You Acknowledge Your Role in the Problems You Complain About?
“Exactly what part of the problem are you?” Dr. Matt asked. It’s easy to point fingers, but real growth comes from recognizing and owning your contribution to recurring issues.
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Do You Manage Your Attention by Being Present?
Presence is a gift. If you’re physically there but mentally elsewhere, your partner feels it. This question is a reminder to be mindful and engaged in the moment.
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What Have You Normalized That Needs to Change?
“If you’ve known for a long time you need to change something, and you’re not changing it—what’s going on?” Dr. Matt asked. This is a call to action. Don’t let unhealthy patterns become permanent.
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Are You the Sunlight or the Rain Cloud in Your Relationship?
Your energy matters. Are you uplifting or draining?
Becoming the Change
Finally, ask yourself: “What’s one thing you felt in your heart during this discussion that you need to change today?”
Dr. Matt encouraged us to take one small step each day: “What’s the one thing I can do today to become the change?” It’s not about perfection—it’s about progress.
Dr. Matt Townsend’s Becoming One program offers workshops, coaching, and a supportive community to help individuals and couples grow together. Learn more at matttownsend.com.
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