Studio 5 Relationship Coach Matt Townsend and Julie Hanks, LCSW, team up to help bridge the “time divide”.
Women seem to think our time has to always be “together”.
• She just won’t leave you alone.
• Men tend to be much more solo than social…we need some alone time.
• For eons there have been battles over the need for independence versus interdependence in marriages.
• Men tend to be more independent by nature, less social and reliant upon social networks while women are much more social and reliant upon social networks.
• Interdependence makes women feel safer, while independence, the ability to go it alone tends to make men feel safer.
• Sometimes guys may want to just “veg” or watch a game, or hang out with their friends.
• Women don’t get what we’re doing when we’re alone, it feels like we’re failing to them and they want us to be more social or motivated.
• They’re trying to connect whey they call throughout the day, asking questions like, “What you’re doing? What are you thinking? What should we do tonight?”
• Men end up feeling trapped.
• Penny for your thought…it’s going to cost you a lot more than that.
How to deal with it:
• Make sure you are independent of each other. Even though you want to be interdependent you both still need to have time to yourself
• Build a strong social network with other friends other than your significant other and find time to be with them.
• Schedule alone time and together time…make them rituals so you can both look forward to them.
• Don’t get down on your partner’s needs for alone time.
Men feel like we’re being judged for what we do with our time.
a. Our time sometimes feels like your time and if you don’t like what we’re doing…you’ll let us know.
b. Men sometimes feel like if we’re not doing what you want us to be doing, than we’re the ones that are in the wrong.
c. You’re tendency to be structured or a perfectionist, makes me feel pressure to be more like you and men might rebel against that pressure.
d. Are you going to do that all day? Makes us feel like you’re a nag, rarely will you hear a man ask his wife that question.
e. Men feel like some women mother them when it comes to their time. When you nag we feel like everything we do is wrong…so we quit trying.
How to deal with it:
• Tell her that her nagging and criticizing bother you and you’re not going to put up with it anymore.
• Catch us doing what you want us to do versus catching us when we don’t.
• Give your guy a choice. If you have a bunch of stuff that needs to get done. Give him the list and directly ask him to help you.
The ultimate objective is to remember Mutual Toleration- Men and Women are just different…and some times the differences work for us and other times they don’t.
In the grand scheme of things, women’s annoying habits aren’t that bad and neither are the man’s. Chances are you’ll adapt to them in time, as will she when it comes to your annoying tendencies. Nobody’s perfect, and I think that’s something we can all agree on.
Julie Hanks. LCSW, can be contacted through Wasatch Family Therapy, www.wasatchfamilytherapy.com.
Matt Townsend can be contacted at the Townsend Relationship Center in Sandy or online at www.matttownsend.com. You can also attend one of Matt’s Date Nights.
An Evening with Matt Townsend
Saturday, November 14
7:00 pm to 9:00 pm
$20 per couple
Location: Noah’s in South Jordan
To register call 801-747-2121