Parenting adult children is a mindset shift.
Parenting is a lifelong journey, not a destination. From the sleepless nights of infancy to the emotional rollercoaster of adolescence, each stage brings its own set of joys and challenges. But perhaps the most complex—and least talked about—phase is parenting adult children.
In this phase, the rules of engagement shift dramatically. The authority you once held gives way to a new role—one that requires more listening than lecturing, more support than supervision. Studio 5 Parenting Contributor Heather Johnson shared how to navigate this transition with grace, using what she calls the “non-negotiables” of parenting adult kids.
The Emotional Tug-of-War: Letting Go of Control
One of the most difficult aspects of parenting adult children is the loss of control. As parents, we want to protect our children from pain, guide them with our wisdom, and ensure they make the “right” choices. But adulthood means autonomy. “We care about them… and we want good things for them. It’s that we have some experience that they don’t have and we still feel like we should be able to impart that on them,” Heather explained. This desire to help can sometimes backfire, especially if it’s perceived as interference. The key is to redefine your role—not as a director, but as a trusted advisor who steps in only when invited.
Non-Negotiable #1: Set and Communicate Clear Boundaries
Boundaries are essential in any healthy relationship, and they become even more critical when your children become adults. But boundaries with adult children aren’t about imposing rules—they’re about defining your own limits. “Boundaries are going to be what I’m going to do… requiring nothing of them,” Heather emphasized.
Whether it’s financial support, babysitting grandchildren, or how often you’re available for help, clarity is kindness. Heather emphasized the importance of having these conversations early and often, rather than assuming your adult children will just “know” what’s okay. “Your boundary can be open dialogue,” she said.
Boundaries can also be flexible. For example, you might say, “I’m always open to discussing financial needs, but I may not always be able to help.” This keeps the door open while still protecting your own well-being.
Non-Negotiable #2: Transition from Authority to Ally
The parenting role must evolve from one of authority to one of support. This doesn’t mean you stop caring—it means you show your care in new ways. “It’s time to let go of the authority and pick up the support instead,” Heather said. This can be as simple as spending quality time together—going for a walk, sharing a meal, or enjoying a hobby. These moments build connection without the pressure of advice or expectations.
Another powerful tool? Open-ended questions, like: “What options are you entertaining with this decision?” These types of questions invite dialogue and show genuine curiosity, rather than judgment or control.
Non-Negotiable #3: Respect Generational Differences
Today’s young adults are navigating a world vastly different from the one their parents grew up in. From delayed milestones to shifting values, understanding these generational shifts is crucial. “Kids are launching five to eight years later than generations previous… They want flexibility. They subscribe to tolerance,” Heather explained. Rather than viewing these differences as failures or flaws, parents can choose to see them as adaptations to a new world. This perspective fosters empathy and reduces unnecessary conflict.
Non-Negotiable #4: Navigate Values and Faith with Compassion
Perhaps the most emotionally charged challenge is when adult children make choices that diverge from their parents’ values or faith traditions. This can be deeply painful—but it’s also an opportunity for growth. “How am I going to hold onto my values and faith and love a child who might choose different?” Heather asked.
The answer lies in listening more than speaking, and in offering support without strings attached. Wait for the invitation to share your perspective. Until then, focus on being present and loving. “Until you specifically say, ‘Mom, what do you think about this?’… we got to wait for that,” Heather emphasized.
The Gift of Evolving Relationships
Parenting adult children is not about doing more—it’s about doing differently. It’s about shifting from control to connection, from authority to allyship. “These are things that if we want these relationships, they’re non-negotiables,” Heather said. By embracing these principles, parents can build deeper, more respectful, and more fulfilling relationships with their adult children—relationships rooted in mutual trust, understanding, and love.
To contact Heather for counseling, email blog.familyvolley@gmail.com, or visit www.familyvolley.blogspot.com.
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