Estrangement should be a last resort.
Family estrangement is one of the most painful and complex dynamics in modern relationships. Whether it’s a parent, child, or sibling, the decision to sever ties can leave lasting emotional scars—not just for those directly involved, but for generations.
Studio 5 Parenting Contributor Heather Johnson dove deep into this growing phenomenon, particularly focusing on adult children estranging their parents. Her message is bold, direct, and deeply thought-provoking. It challenges the cultural narratives around boundaries, healing, and what it means to be part of a family.
A Growing Trend with Generational Consequences
Heather doesn’t mince words when describing the impact of unnecessary estrangement. “This unnecessary estrangement… is literally destroying generations,” she said. While she acknowledged that there are valid reasons to cut ties—such as abuse or ongoing harm—she warned that many estrangements today are rooted in discomfort, unmet expectations, or unresolved emotional wounds. The consequences, she said, are far-reaching, often severing the connection between grandparents and grandchildren and creating a ripple effect of loss and disconnection.
From Loyalty to Individuality: A Cultural Shift
Heather pointed to a cultural shift in how we view family roles and responsibilities. “We’ve got this shift in our family systems from loyalty to individuality,” she explained. Where previous generations valued family loyalty, today’s culture often prioritizes personal happiness and emotional safety. While this shift has empowered many to set healthier boundaries, Heather cautioned that it has also led to an imbalance—where discomfort is treated as danger and difficult conversations are avoided rather than addressed.
The Boundary Dilemma: Have We Gone Too Far?
While boundaries are essential for healthy relationships, Heather believes the current discourse has become too one-sided. “We cherry-pick… boundaries and give all of our energy to them,” she said. “We forget values like forgiveness, grace, and hard work to communicate.” She observed that many people now use boundaries as a shield to avoid emotional labor, cutting ties instead of working through conflict. This, she argued, is not only unhealthy—it’s unsustainable.
A Generation of Contradictions
Heather highlighted the irony in how the generation most likely to estrange their parents also champions emotional intelligence, therapy, and healthy attachment. “They’re the ones who are unable to disconnect their emotions from their children so that generations can have relationships,” she said. These same individuals advocate for non-abusive parenting, yet their estrangement can be emotionally abusive to grandparents and grandchildren. They value emotional awareness, yet often struggle to separate their own feelings from their parenting decisions. They want to model better behavior for their children, yet frequently demonstrate avoidance and disconnection.
What to Consider Before Cutting Ties
Heather offered a powerful list of truths that every adult child should reflect on before making the decision to estrange a parent:
- You Are Not the Only Authority on Your Childhood
“There are other opinions. There are other perspectives,” Heather said. Our memories are shaped by emotion, fear, and personal bias. - Hurt Feelings Are Not the Same as Abuse
“Just because your feelings were hurt doesn’t mean you were abused,” Heather emphasized. She warned against pathologizing normal human flaws. - Estranging Innocent Grandparents Is Abuse
“Grandparents who have done nothing… are being abused when we refuse… to allow them to have relationships,” Heather said. She framed this as both child abuse and elder abuse. - If Your Spouse Demands Estrangement, Examine Your Marriage
“A spouse should not be requiring that of you when your parents are healthy,” Heather emphasized. This may point to control issues or unresolved dynamics within the marriage. - Don’t Judge the Past by Today’s Standards
“We can’t hold them accountable because parenting practices have changed,” Heather said. Parents did the best they could with the tools they had. - Narcissistic Traits Don’t Equal Narcissism
“Just because you see some narcissistic tendencies… doesn’t mean they’re a narcissist,” Heather explained. Labeling someone based on a few traits can be misleading and damaging. - Live Your Values, No Matter What
“Regardless of your parents’ actions, it doesn’t excuse you from living values,” Heather said. Even if your parents fell short, you still have a responsibility to act with integrity, compassion, and maturity.
The Path Forward: Reconciliation Over Rejection
Heather’s message is not about denying pain or invalidating real harm. It’s about encouraging reflection, communication, and healing. She urged adult children to do the hard work of understanding, forgiving, and reconnecting—when it’s safe and possible to do so. Estrangement, she said, should be a last resort, not a default response. Families are messy, but they’re also worth fighting for.
To contact Heather for counseling, email blog.familyvolley@gmail.com, or visit www.familyvolley.blogspot.com.
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