We schedule doctors’ appointments, vacations and special events – but what about scheduling sex?
Studio 5 Contributor Dr. Liz Hale adds her take on adding sex to the agenda.
We schedule doctors’ appointments, vacations and special events – but what about scheduling sex? Many view a calendared-tryst as unromantic, lacking in spontaneity and excitement. However, is it possible that it could just be plain smart with today’s busy lifestyles?
Sex is perfectly natural….but it’s not always naturally perfect! Like anything worthwhile, it takes work, effort and forethought.
Conversation Brings Closeness
There is no one single fix when things are not going well. But what almost always makes things better is the process; talking with and listening to each other, working together to improve the marriage, trying something different (like scheduling intimacy, for instance) and reevaluating its success. The conversation and the shared desire to improve things in the marriage is what brings a couple closer together – just like sex!
Anticipation Brings Excitement
You plan a surprise party. You plan a marriage proposal. You plan a wedding. They’re all more romantic because of the preparation.
For many, planned sex offers something to look forward to, prepare for and excitedly await. Think about it in terms of a fabulous new restaurant that you’ve made plans to try together on Saturday Night. Your mouth is watering as you anticipate the menu, the ambiance and just doing something new. Take note: if your plans for Saturday Night were to go down to the local bar-and-grill for the “umpteenth” time, it wouldn’t be exciting, would it? Take responsibility for the excitement….and the lack thereof!
Plan-Free Supports Spontaneity
Instead of sitting down with your spouse circling dates on the calendar, sit down by yourself and schedule down-time at home. Planning time to be unscheduled at home can be just as effective as penning in a date for sex. If it’s not your regular “sex night,” and yet there you are instigating intimacy out-of-the-blue, you just might knock your mate’s socks right off, bringing back that element of surprise!
Calendaring Stops Conflict
A common conflict for couples around the issue of sex is frequency. If he wants sex every three days and she wants sex once a week, split the difference and plan it for every fourth day. While this may not sound very romantic, use calendaring to move past the conflict and take care of the needs of your spouse. Once you have locked in your appointment for sex, you can make it very romantic sans conflict! Let’s say your appointment for sex is Saturday Night. What’s great about this is now the more interested party can flirt, kiss and touch their spouse without that person thinking, “Great! He just wants to have sex!” It can be a “touchy” issue if your spouse believes that the only reason you are touching them is because you want “something.” But hey, it’s Wednesday! The less interested-in-sex-spouse can just enjoy being touched and held. Lead up to Saturday Night. Have fun with it…….enjoy the break from conflict!
Roommates Are Like Cellmates
There is a responsibility in marriage. I fear how many couples are currently living in a sexless marriage. According to the 2011 Kinsey Reports, close to 22% of marriages are sexless! There are many ways of sexual expression; not just intercourse. There must be flexibility in physical expression…….but most importantly there must be physical expression! Otherwise, there is no difference between being a spouse or sharing a cell……they both feel like prison.
A former radio host of Bonneville’s “Dr. Liz Hale Show,” Dr. Liz has become a household name to many. As Studio 5’s resident shrink, she discusses a wide variety of hot-topics ranging from sex to stress. (Sometimes all in the same segment!)
Dr. Liz is a transplant from Seattle, Washington, although “a few” years ago was a college co-ed cheering for the Utah State Aggies. While USU football hasn’t changed through the years, she remains a loyal fan.
Dr. Liz, a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, has been in private practice for 12 years specializing in marriage and family relations. She currently serves as a board member on the Utah Commission on Marriage and is a popular speaker at their annual conference.
Her greatest joy in life comes from being with her own family and working with other families along the Wasatch Front at her downtown SLC practice.