Small changes often make the biggest difference.
If you’re tired of having the same old arguments, feeling unheard, or seeing no change despite your efforts, you might not have a communication problem but a systems problem.
Studio 5 Relationship Contributor Dr. Matt Townsend shared five powerful truths to help you boost your influence and make a real, lasting impact in your relationships.
1. Today’s Problems Come from Yesterday’s Solutions
Often, the issues we face today stem from past solutions that no longer fit our current reality. For example, trying to get your child to play outside by recalling your own childhood experiences might not resonate with them. Instead, be curious about what’s happening today and identify principles that work universally. Matt advised, “We’ve got to learn to be curious today. Don’t just bring all the old thinking patterns with you.”
2. The Harder You Push, the Harder the System Pushes Back
Relationships and communication patterns are systems. When you push too hard, the system resists. Instead of forcing change, try to understand the system and work within it. Notice negative emotions as vital signs that indicate you’re pushing too hard. Matt explained, “If you don’t want your child to rebel more, then I would be careful to not push more.”
3. There’s No Such Thing as a Quick Fix
“Taking the easy way out usually leads back in,” Matt explained. Quick fixes often result in temporary compliance rather than true understanding and agreement. Avoid the temptation to settle for quick solutions and instead strive for deeper understanding. Hard conversations are necessary and cannot be ignored. Matt emphasized, “Be really careful that you don’t take the quick fix. The minute I just say yes to my spouse immediately just to please, then I’m never ever addressing why does he come home angry every day?”
4. Slower is Faster
Each relationship has its own pace. Pushing beyond the natural speed of the relationship can lead to frustration and setbacks. Slow down, understand the limits, and progress at a pace that respects the other person’s speed. Matt noted, “The slower you go, the faster it actually happens.”
5. Small Changes Can Make a Big Difference
“Small changes can save a marriage,” Matt noted. Not all issues are resolvable, but small adjustments can have a significant impact. Even if you don’t actively work on your relationship, life changes over time can lead to improvements. Stay committed, make small progressions, and allow time to bring about change.
Matt shared, “If you just stay in it and give it time, and then slowly progress, little progressions, they don’t have to be huge things, and give it time, life itself will change you.”
Dr. Matt’s Becoming One program offers a community and resources to help couples navigate these systems and improve their relationships.
For more advice and coaching, visit matttownsend.com.
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