How do you build up the courage to try again? Confidence Coach and the New Faces Director at the McCarty Talent Agency, Amber Evans shares little how-to…
We are talking about the confidence to care to date again and the confidence TO PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER MAN…..I mean WOMAN! Dating after the loss of a loved one can be awkward, difficult, and undesired. However, getting back into the game can be exciting, adventurous, and invigorating! If you are single due to a divorce, realize that it takes time to heal. According to some stress experts, divorce can be the second most emotionally traumatic experience in life, right next to the death of a loved one. You might have just came out of a relationship where you pledged your eternal devotion which is now shattered into thousands of small sharp pieces of glass. You may find yourself still plucking out pieces from your stressed out and aging skin (none of us are getting younger). Or you might feel like a frail sponge in water still soaking up all of the events and things that you’ve gone through.
If you have been rejected, cheated on, or emotionally abused, chances are, you are not anxious to date again. Getting back in the game will feel like you’ve already passed go, collected your $200 and you’re still spinning from moving yourself around the board. It’s normal to be apprehensive and you are probably being realistic due to the pains you’ve experienced. You deserve the time and attention it takes to nurture and comfort yourself. Allow your friends, support groups and others to give you the TLC you need. This is all a part of the healing process and reawakening to your dormant beauty. Time, attention to the work, and willingness are the vehicles for healing your feelings and thoughts from guilt, embarrassment, shame, rejection and disappointment.
We need to have the confidence to expect and desire the right person for us! Be careful and don’t allow yourself to be swept off your feet by the first man who tells you can’t live without you or that you complete him. It takes time to develop a relationship and get to know a person. Pay attention to the signals you get when there may be a red flag going up and ask yourself why. Also, we need to protect the little ones along this slightly unstable process and not involve them in the details until we have established a stronger relationship.
Obviously, women should have learned by now that men and women come from different planets. Some women are mad at themselves for making bad choices. Often times they find reading everything they can get their hands on to understand men and still no avail. Taking time to research, understand, and by educating ourselves on our or our past partner’s behavior this might enable us to give more in the next relationship. Now is the time to unleash the emotional chains that often times drag us down. Some women instead of taking responsibility would rather just blame their bad luck on men instead of asking what they’ve done wrong. Try to be realistic and aware of your emotions, figure out how to let them go, take the time to heal so you can look forward to having a healthy relationship in the future. The strategy sounds so simple, but it is harder than women realize.
Getting back into the game for some might take a few months. For others, they might be revolted to date for a year before they start dating again. I find that too many rush out for a rebound relationship that is not healthy because they don’t like being alone. Others commit rapidly to recover from battle wounds and band aid their pain scars and bleeding. They will settle for a genetic brand verses healing and holding out for name brands.
Unfortunately, there’s no magically formula before you know when it’s the right time to date again. If you have waited an extended time and still are not ready, just know that it won’t usually become less fearful the longer you wait! You will probably still feel like a fish out of water…feeling slimy and discolored from life’s experiences. You might have in your head that you might just want to stay in the shallow end for a while. The deep end for some, might feel like they forgot how to swim because they haven’t dated in so long they forgot how. I feel that you should still jump in and trend water until you figure out the full techniques again.
So you have decided to date. Think of going out with guys as just making a new friend instead of a job interview. This state of mind is so much less invasive and intimating. If you try the Internet and go onto the dating sites, you might feel like you are purchasing an item off your home shopping network. Adjusting to this modern day technology and marketing might feel like you are taking a class. I would call it “Shopping for a Husband 101”. You get to select his age range, particular body type, career or income, hometown/location, not to mention ideal look you want in a husband….The only catch is will he respond back to your flirt or email you sent him? Will your profile appeal to him like his profile appeals to you? Just think, now that you are dating with more maturity and wisdom (hopefully, you are wiser) under your belt, you now know more what you want in a man. Now the challenge is how to FIND him and get him to WANT you! Hopefully, your swaying hips didn’t retire, lips are still luscious and puckered, and your eye lashes still have their mystery. All kidding aside, just get back into the game to have fun!
When you are younger to tend to use binoculars and view guys from a distance. As you get older, you tend to use a magnifying glass to pick out their flaws. Most women as they mature can be quick to recognize character, reliability, good communication skills, and other abilities to sustain a relationship. Your body might be saggy, displaced, wrinkled, and sunken-in but let’s face it, statistics show your mind works a lot better!!! Wise up, brush up, and follow these eight great steps to “GETTNG BACK IN THE GAME!”
PLAY THE “GRATITUDE ATTITUDE” GAME
Take two and call me in the morning might be what you heard as your mind is spinning after the relationship loss. To get rid of your heartache-headache it takes more then Advil. Awareness of thinking logically and analytically is the right type of medicine. If you open your eyes to your mistakes, then you will be able to prevent self-made viruses or undiscovered bacteria. By taking responsibility of your flaws you will be able to prevent the illness known as “emotional hijacking” and not spread this to your future love. If we have children and a former spouse, it is difficult to leave them out of our bio when we are looking to date and develop a relationship. These people are part of us and they have shaped us into who we are today. The challenge in sharing this information with a new prospect is that we should do it honestly, with class and poise, and that we should focus more on the positive and not turn the discussion into whining or a therapy session. Many people remain stuck in the bitterness of a past relationship and have difficulty letting it go and moving on. Negative and complaining people drain our energy and are not free to more forward into the future. Think about the things you have learned from your last relationship and how you have grown from your experiences. If it fits into the conversation, make a statement about your gratitude for the past because it forced you to explore yourself deeper and this has helped you to gain some great insights.
ESTABLISH CORE CONFIDENCE
This is the time to use your bounce back pass that you’ve saved from being at the amusement park. Time to redefine the new you, focus on developing a sense of stronger worth, and surrounds yourself around uplifting loved ones until your own strength is full. You need often times to rely on your worth because due to factors like age, life experiences, childbirth, and sun exposure your body image has changed over the years. We need to accept ourselves as older, wiser, and more willing to do the workouts that are even more necessary as our metabolism slows down each decade. Remember, our life’s experiences make us richer because we have become more comfortable with our understanding of the world and with relationships. This confidence in ourselves is a good thing and can still be presented in a humble manner. Take the time to pull yourself together physically and smile at yourself in the mirror! Try to forget about your appearance and focus your CORE CONFIDENCE, remembering your goodness, virtue, character, morals, and personal worth. Let your energy and focus pull on your strengths still holding to a humble mind but emphasizing on that which is uplifting and inspiring about who you are!
SET UP A MENTAL PLAN IF KIDS ARE INVOLVED
Before you start dating establish rules of how you are planning to protect the little munchkins. We are not in Kansas any more, kids don’t like the wicked witch or aka a new man in their mom’s life. They feel threaten and unstable. Someone new taking the dad role is off the yellow brick road. Try to think of them first before your own selfish needs. Do not introduce them until things get more serious! The reality of time and responsibility must factor into this new life experience. Even if you do not have children, chances are the person you may end up dating does have kids. Juggling his time sharing parenting schedules and other activities of your new dating friend is simply a fact of life. Don’t take it personal if he calls up and post phones your date because his daughter is sick and he has to pick her up from school. Instead, be empathic and ask him if there’s anything you can do to help out the situation (groceries, picking up a prescription, etc.)
BE AWARE OF RELATIONSHIP EXPECTATIONS
Beware of the GREEN-EYED MONSTER! You don’t want to have a “GREEN” or an unrealistic picture when it comes to looking the right man for you! When looking for Mr. Dreamy, we all have a visual in mind of what is ideal. For me, that answer is easy. I picture Pierce Bronson next to me glaring into my eyes. He’s my ideal fantasy man! If I could put all my ideals together he would be tall, dark, handsome, intelligent, rich, great listener, perfect father, compassionate, loving, sexy, and adoring! I really could keep going on…. So how do we draw a line between fantasy and reality? Be careful to avoid long lists of requirements you want in a spouse. On a good note, by having ideals we raise the bar on what we are looking for. However, on a bad note, we might be sabotaging perfectly suitable bachelors. Watch for these unreasonable expectations:
1. Not negotiating on potential husband’s height, weight, appearance, and career.
2. Refusing to date someone unless they make XXX amount of money.
3. Refusing to date someone who lives too far away. You might have to drive 30 minutes away to have the perfect date.
4. Refusing to date someone a little older, younger, with kids, or some different interests then you.
5. Requiring your date to trust, be completely vulnerable, be at your disposal, and love you right away.
HAVE CONFIDENCE SO YOU AVOID PREDICTABLE DATING MISTAKES
There are plenty of dating do’s and don’ts. Be cautious for road signs that fall in your pathway or ones that lay in your driveway.
1. Avoid the thought: “All men suck!” There are plenty of great men out there! Don’t label one man because they come in all types of shades, colors, textures, lengths, and with different price tags. Rid yourself from negative thinking!
2. Don’t dismiss a guy who isn’t exactly your “TYPE”. Attraction grows when people connect over time and for some intimacy takes time to develop. Good chemistry or physical attraction is important but be open minded for growth. Watch out to label guys “nerds,” or other shallow titles before really getting to know someone.
3. Dismiss your insecurities. One simple word that sabotages so much. Women who get married are confident. They know they deserve a lifetime commitment from a man. Exuded this in your attitude. Have a secure attitude and persona is appealing and addicting. Have the type of personality that they are willing to overdose too! You want your energy to be contagious and magnetic, causing others around you to be better and to do more because they meet you!
4. Don’t act desperate! This is the worst thing you could do! Constantly calling, E-mailing, or texting is a NO-NO! Even if you really like the guy show patience and self control. In the long run this will pay off. Showing too much enthusiasm and excitement can come across too creepy! On the other end of the spectrum don’t play too hard to get either. That sends a wrong message showing you are not interested or that you don’t have time for a relationship. Dating is like walking on the rope at the circus, a total balancing act.
5. This is not a job interview! During the first few dates, try not to make it sound like a job interview and ask all of the questions about his past that you are curious about. Go with the flow and get to know each other gradually. Allow the chemistry to develop. Be in the moment and allow the little things around you be part of the conversation, IE. “I was driving behind a car who was selling Girl Scout cookies and had the phone number displayed, so I called the number and told them to pull over. I needed my fill on addicting Girl Scout cookies. Hoch, especially the Samoa’s kind.” (“I love the snow when it falls like this at night because it is so fresh and quiet and remind me of growing up in the Catskill Mountains.” This type of comment will make him curious and then he’ll ask for more information. After you answer, ask him where he grew up and show an interest in what he’s saying.
6. Don’t spend your “listening time” thinking of the next topic, and then miss out on what they had to say! You need to fully hear what the other person is pouring out of their soul and so openly sharing with you. Pay attention and let yourself be fun and let him see hints of how you really are!
HAVE CONFIDENCE TO LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN
Time to put on your chiffon skirt and feminine blouse and flirt again. Let’s explain this blunting and honestly. Not all guys are smooth and debonair. Some frankly, stick their foot in their mouth but they are trying to ask you out with out walking home shoeless. Girlfriend, help them out and suggest your number or lunch when you see them stuttering if you are interested. Don’t sit their smirking or lifting your upper brow, lend them a hand!
WRITE A LIST OF “CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT’S”
If you are confident in who you are and what you want then often times you are confident not to settle! Write a list the values, morals, beliefs, parenting skills, religious views, philosophy, and financial desires (Be realistic!) you want in a man. You need a visual don’t just think of ideas of what you want and leave them floating in your head. Document your ideas, thoughts, and attitudes. Write out a “technique acquisition” on how you want to go about finding this and finalize your game plan. Now that you have determined what you’re looking for leave the “WORRY BASKET” in food storage packed away! Don’t cart all of your worries around with you as you are getting to know a new person. People tend to pick up on when you are “tuning out” and becoming distracted. Have good eye contact and listen to what he says. Follow up with something that show you are interested in what he feels or says. Don’t feel like after a few dates will HE be the one, getting to know someone takes time then look at your list a maybe what is noticeable and what is NOT!
THE CONFIDENCE TO MEET ‘N GREET
Don’t expect your prince to come riding up on his horse, knock on your door, and swoop you up. Leave the fairytales behind, real life is you have to get out their and make things happen. I decided to network and start a yuppie singles group that I organized so I could met my social needs. It not only meets my needs but met the needs of everyone involved. Who wants to be sitting home on Friday night alone? Instead you could be enjoying the company of good friends who are experiencing similar experiences you are. They are often divorced and juggling career and kids. Or maybe retired still waiting for their cruise on the love boat! One of the most successful ways to meet your potential companion is from friends setting up friends or through networking. If you want to try networking go on the Internet. The stigma attached to online dating has dissolved because whether they admit to it or not, everyone does it! You get to meet people on your own schedule with the luxury of your home sofa and slippers. That way there is minimal anxiety and you can limit rejection. The internet can be the perfect practice field to prepare for that home run. You have to have your own set of rules where you cautious because you want to be able to enjoy the benefits without the problems of having a stocker or meeting a serial killer. If this concerns you, go to www.recordsaccess.com for your own security before or after you try on line dating. This website is the largest database of online public records. Records Access does background checks, tells secrets, digs up criminal records, identifies local sex offenders, finds doctors disciplinary files, and other vital records. This website allows you to meet new people or Internet date without feeling left in the dark room with out your film to develop or memories to make.
TIPS FOR INTERNET DATING:
1. Paste a realistic but great photo or photos. Your photo can tell a million words! I can tell by looking at a photo if a man is classy, cocky, what kind of personality, and if there is possible attraction. When I have met him in person I have usually been right!
2. Don’t email too long. This can be a waste of time because when you met in person there might not be any chemistry or he might not be what it seemed! Find out just enough information however, to know if he is someone you want to pursue.
3. Get his phone number shortly after screening him. Call from your phone if you want to be careful block your phone number. You can tell a lot from his voice tone, energy level, confidence, and personality to decide whether you want to quickly meet him in person. Some people email each other for months on end before talking and then when they hear the voice (or when they met in person) they realized they were deceived or not interested. I have heard many instances that they were basically engaged and discussing marriage before they ever met! Once they meet they couldn’t stand the bald spot on his head or there was no physical chemistry or pizzazz!
4. Meet for quick lunch without a phone number and only first name given. That way you have a simple way of getting to know someone without a lot of commitment. You can quickly determine if they are someone you want to continue dating.
5. A few dates in, see how they act in their own environment. Those who have know them for a long time can give a lot of feel for what he is really like.
Note: Go to www.recordsaccess.com for your own security before or after you try on line dating, if you want to check a person’s background.
By Amber Michelle Evans, © 2008, All rights reserved.
Amber Michelle Evans, the New Faces Director for McCarty Talent Agency, is a talent-developer, model, actor, and modeling coach. She has worked in the fashion and entertainment industries for over 20 years. Her career began with modeling in her early teens and escalated when she won the title of Miss New York Teen, USA at age 18. Since then her experience has been extensive nationally and internationally with years in print, runway, industrial film, stage, television and as spokesperson for companies such as Liz Claiborne, Switcher and Joy & Fun, Overstock.com, Spa Victoria, Tuscan Hills, to name a few. Because of her expertise and her deep interest for the entertainment industry and love for people, she became the New Faces Director for McCarty Agency and has discovered, developed and molded countless talent careers for the last 13 years; marketing top celebrities to international agencies such as Ford, Elite, IMG, Whilmenia, and Next. Amber’s dream, passion and experience for helping people to develop not only their outside beauty, but also their inside; has led her to coach several seminars and co-write an inside/outside beauty book with Heather Christensen, writer and training developer.
Through all of her accomplishments, Amber feels her greatest is with her three beautiful children. Together they reside in Stansbury Park, Utah.