Studio 5 Relationship Coach Matt Townsend has studied the research recently published in Scientific American Mind magazine and has tips for how to put it into practice.
1. Look and You Shall Find
Nothing is truer in how we see our relationships than the concept of “Look and you shall find.” If you think your neighbor has bad feelings toward you, how will you interact with him or her? How will you interpret him or her parking in front of your house, or looking at your partner or not waving to you when they drive by? We will begin to accumulate data based on the conclusion we’re trying to reach. In my coaching, I’ve found it is much more productive to focus on everything that is working, has worked, or could work in the relationship (all positives by the way) instead of focusing on everything that doesn’t work. Think about it…if you spent all day talking about how you partner doesn’t meet your needs and came up with a thousand examples of how they don’t meet your needs then guess what data you’ll go looking for the rest of the day? Are you going to be more likely to see how you are being treated effectively or how you’re not being treated well? In the end whatever we talk about we become more sensitized to see. Looking for the positive dramatically increases the likelihood that you will find it.
2. State It When You See It
Express gratitude daily. When we express gratitude, we tend to rate our relationship happiness higher and feel more connected than when we don’t feel gratitude. Don’t wait to feel the gratitude at first, just go looking for it. Recipients of the expressions of gratitude also felt better about their partner and more connected to them. Expressing gratitude and positivity to your partner also shows that you are noticing what is going right in the relationships. People are always much more interested in performing positively if they know you’re apt to notice it.
3. Test the T-Chart
In my coaching, I utilize a tool with my clients to help them turn from seeing the negative to seeing the positive. One of the most powerful ways to change a relationship is to look for positive actions and consistently identify the good things that are working. To do this we use a T-chart to document all that is good and positive in your relationship.
For more information, you can contact Matt at the Townsend Relationship Center. You can also sign up for the next date night:
Date Night with Matt Townsend
Friday, February 12
7:00 pm to 9:00 pm
$20 per couple
Location: Noah’s in South Jordan
To register call 801-747-2121
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