Change the way you see your teens.
For generations, teenagers have been labeled as difficult, dramatic, and hard to understand. But what if we’ve been missing the point? What if the teen years aren’t something to dread—but something to embrace?
Parenting Contributor Heather Johnson is helping parents reframe their mindset with a powerful message: teens are not only capable—they’re awesome. When we shift how we see them, everything about our relationship can change.
“Teenagers have gotten a bad rap since the beginning of time… It’s about time we find the joy in it,” Heather said. Here are seven truths she shared that can help you better understand—and connect with—your teen.
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Teens Are Awesome—And So Are Their Brains
Teen brains are in a state of incredible growth and transformation. They’re wired to take risks, challenge norms, and feel deeply. That’s not a flaw—it’s a feature. “Their brains are programmed to function off of emotion so they can discover them, figure them out, and then learn how to manage them,” Heather emphasized. Instead of seeing their emotional swings or impulsive decisions as problems, Heather encouraged parents to see them as opportunities. Their brains are pliable, adaptable, and ready to learn—especially with your support.
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Taking the Phone Away Doesn’t Teach Skills
It’s tempting to use the phone as a catch-all consequence. Bad grades? Take the phone. Didn’t clean their room? Take the phone. But Heather said this approach doesn’t work long-term. “This consequence doesn’t teach them any skills… It actually does the exact opposite of what we think it’s going to do,” she emphasized. Instead of fostering responsibility, it can lead to secrecy, resentment, and poor coping strategies. If the issue is phone misuse, the solution should be teaching appropriate use—not just removing the device.
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Messy Rooms Are Okay
A messy room can trigger all kinds of fears in parents: “Have I failed?” “Will they grow up to be irresponsible?” But Heather urged us to let go of the panic. “We should be much more concerned that they have an open door than a clean floor,” she said. Nagging about cleanliness can close emotional doors. Instead, model the behavior you hope to see and focus on maintaining connection over control.
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Nagging Kills Connection
Repeated reminders and constant corrections might feel like parenting—but they often send the wrong message. “They’re hearing ‘you don’t trust me’… ‘You’re trying to control me’… ‘You don’t think I can do it’,” Heather said. Instead, try saying: “I know you can handle this. Let me know if you need support.” This builds trust and encourages independence, rather than resistance.
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Eye Rolls Aren’t Disrespect
That dramatic eye roll? It’s not about you. It’s a sign of emotional overload, not defiance. “They’re actually expressing distress, not disrespect… They’re saying, ‘Hey, I don’t feel understood,” Heather explained. You don’t have to call it out every time. Instead, offer space or a gentle check-in: “You seem frustrated—want to talk or take a minute?”
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Time Management Is a Skill, Not a Character Flaw
Teens aren’t lazy—they’re learning. Time management isn’t something they’re born with; it’s something they develop. “Time management is learning skills… It just means that they need to practice more and it’s okay,” Heather said. If they’re late or forgetful, it’s not a moral failing—it’s a sign they need more support and practice, not more shame.
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Their Attitude Isn’t About You
When your teen is moody or distant, it’s easy to take it personally. But Heather says that’s a mistake. “It doesn’t mean we’re doing it wrong… It means they’re sorting out their own emotions.” Their attitude is rarely about you—it’s about them trying to navigate a complex emotional world. When we stop making it about us, we can show up with more compassion and less defensiveness.
Get Out of Your Own Way
The biggest shift? Stop making their behavior about you. When you do, you’ll start to see just how incredible your teen really is. “If we get out of our own way, gosh, we can see how awesome our teenagers are,” Heather emphasized.
Teens don’t need perfect parents. They need present ones. Ones who are willing to see the good, teach the skills, and stay connected—even when things get messy.
To contact Heather for counseling, email blog.familyvolley@gmail.com, or visit www.familyvolley.blogspot.com.
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