You might notice these signs of exclusion in your own home.
We often associate the sting of exclusion with schoolyards or social cliques—but what if that same feeling is quietly growing within our own homes?
Studio 5 Parenting Contributor Heather Johnson shared a powerful and often overlooked truth: exclusion within families is not only common, but it can be deeply damaging.
The Hidden Pain of Being Left Out
“The place in our brain that processes exclusion is the exact same place that processes physical pain,” Heather explained. This insight is more than just a scientific fact—it’s a wake-up call. When someone feels excluded, their brain registers it as physical pain. And when that exclusion comes from the people who are supposed to love us most—our family—it cuts even deeper.
Subtle Signs of Exclusion in the Home
Exclusion doesn’t always look like bullying or overt rejection. In fact, it’s often subtle, unintentional, and easy to miss. Heather outlined several everyday scenarios that can create feelings of exclusion:
- Favoritism: Listening more to the child who is easier to parent or more like you.
- Overcompensation: Constantly catering to the child who demands more attention, while overlooking the quiet, compliant one.
- Private Conversations: Discussing one child’s struggles with siblings or a spouse without including them in the conversation.
- Selective Outings: Planning activities with some family members while intentionally leaving others out.
“These are all little tiny moments of exclusion that we’re facilitating in our home thinking we might be okay or not doing any damage—when really we are,” Heather emphasized.
The Long-Term Impact: Wounds That Linger
“We carry those feelings of exclusion with us into adulthood… It lowers self-esteem. It also puts us in a position where we don’t ever feel like we will be chosen,” Heather said. She shared that many adults still carry the emotional weight of childhood exclusion. Clients in their 40s, 50s, and even 60s often recount stories of being left out by siblings or feeling less favored by parents. These early experiences can shape our self-worth and relationships for a lifetime.
Why We Exclude (Even Without Realizing It)
Exclusion often stems from fear, insecurity, or a desire to avoid conflict. Parents may unconsciously gravitate toward children who reflect their own values or interests, while distancing themselves from those who challenge or confuse them. “Wouldn’t it be cool if instead of being afraid of kids who are different than us, we were really curious about our kids who are different than us?” Heather emphasized. This shift—from fear to curiosity—can transform family dynamics. Instead of resisting differences, we can lean into them with openness and empathy.
How to Create a More Inclusive Home
Heather offered a roadmap for building a home where everyone feels seen, heard, and valued:
- Start with a Self-Check
“If in any way we’re saying, ‘Oh, I never do any of this,’ it probably means we’re doing it somewhere,” Heather said. Honest self-reflection is the first step. Ask yourself: Am I parenting from a place of fear or insecurity? Am I unintentionally excluding someone because they’re different from me?
- Replace Comparison with Gratitude
“If you recognize comparison will chase away joy, gratitude will invite joy in,” Heather said. Comparison is a joy-killer. Instead of measuring one child against another, focus on what you genuinely appreciate about each family member. Gratitude fosters connection and helps us see the value in everyone.
- Get Curious, Not Cautious
Encourage curiosity about each other’s perspectives. Ask your children to explore what their siblings think or feel. Model this behavior by showing interest in the child who is least like you. “Hey, will you get more curious about your brother? Could we get more curious about how they feel about it?” Heather suggested.
- Be Mindful of Conversations
Even well-meaning discussions can create exclusion if they happen behind closed doors. Be intentional about including everyone in conversations that affect them.
- Practice Inclusion in Everyday Moments
Whether it’s planning a family outing or choosing a movie, make sure everyone has a voice. Inclusion isn’t just about big gestures—it’s about the small, consistent choices we make every day.
For Those Who Feel Excluded
“A person or a family’s inability to include you at one point in your life has nothing to do with you,” Heather emphasized. If you’ve been on the receiving end of exclusion—especially as an adult— Heather offered two powerful reminders:
- It’s not your fault. Others’ inability to include you reflects their limitations, not your worth.
- You’re in control now. As adults, we have the power to manage our emotions and reshape our narratives. We can choose how we respond and how we heal.
“Take control of those emotions and manage them so that they don’t govern you anymore,” Heather said.
To contact Heather for counseling, email blog.familyvolley@gmail.com, or visit www.familyvolley.blogspot.com.
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