What are the keys to a happy sex life? It’s all starts with the desire to desire.
Studio 5 Contributor and Clinical Psychologist Dr. Liz Hale shares 5 crucial
keys to sexual intimacy.
Have you or someone you know ever said this about their mate; “I love him…
but I’m just not in love with him.” It’s a common occurrence because when
we think of being in love, we think of a high, a rush, a falling-in-love
experience. High desire, high drive and a great deal of chemistry often
occurs in the beginning of a relationship. There is a greater interest in love-
making at the beginning of marriage…and then we go back to a “sexual set
point,” leaving at least one partner wondering “what happened??”
It appears we are all born with a sexual set point; at birth, everyone was dealt
a hand of hormones. Regarding sexual differences, some are more prone to
high sexual desire levels and others to low sexual desire levels, and some are
moderately in-between the two extremes.
A high-desire person (Autogenic) thinks about sex many times a day. They
fantasize and dream about it….and they get cranky if they go a while without
it in their marriage.
A low-desire person (Psychogenic) likes being sexually intimate but they just
don’t think about it nearly as often as the Autogenic person, or with the
same level of drive. Two-thirds of women do not desire sex until they’re
having sex. (20% of men fall into this category, as well.)
Sadly here is what I see all too often:
The Unworkable Unspoken Contract:
“I expect you to be monogamous but don’t expect me to meet your sexual
desires or interest.”
The good news is that most sexual problems (88%) can be solved with
accurate and solid information.
There are numerous Health Benefits:
· Lowers blood pressure
· Improves cholesterol
· Increases circulation
· Burns calories (30 minutes = 200 calories)
· Regulates appetite
· Boosts immunity
· Natural anti-depressant (semen = Zinc, B-12, C and Selenium)
· Natural painkiller
· Increases production of collagen
· Increases cognition
· Increase bone growth
· Lowers risk of heart attacks and strokes
· Reduces stress
· Improves sleep
· Increase digestion
The most passionate, intimate exciting love-making occurs within the
commitment of marriage.
5 Crucial Keys to Sexual Intimacy
1) Desire to Desire
The brain is the most powerful sex organ. All you need is the desire to desire
to have a wonderful marriage and an enjoyable committed love relationship.
Autogenic Arousal Pattern (sexy body): This partner walks around with a sex-
ready body. The prerequisite for sex for the sex-ready person is…..that they
are breathing! They are more easily aroused, easily stimulated, and more
intense and often feel misunderstood by their partner. It is physically
uncomfortable; it’s as if they can hardly think of anything else and it seems
hurtful when their partner doesn’t recognize it, understand or seemingly care
about the discomfort of their unexpressed sexual desires. The hurt goes
Psychogenic Arousal Pattern (sexy brain): This partner walks around with a
sex-ready brain that needs to be calmed in order to be ready for sexual
intimacy. The Reticular Activating System (RAS) surveys the environment to
see if it’s safe, but the bias is always towards the negative. Every stick in the
road is a snake. Women’s senses are sharper. They often misread their
partner’s blank looks to mean their partner is upset with them. The
Amygdala has to be calmed before this type of individual can feel connected.
Who gives? The person who cares the most for the relationship. What is best
for our relationship? Give what is the right thing to give but will take your
breath away it is so tough to give it. Generously, altruistically, give with
nothing in return.
The biggest mistake men make in foreplay is they turn to their partner and
say,”Ya wanna have sex??” Why would you ever ask a question that will
almost always be answered with a “No!” Mix it up, men…do not be so
predictable. I have a colleague who describes it this way…(he calls it ‘slow-
roasting your woman:’)
“Touch your wife…leave her alone.”
“Flirt with your wife…leave her alone.”
“Kiss your wife…leave her alone.”
Keep her guessing and not anticipating that this touch leads to this and that
touch leads to that….
Foreplay for the majority of women (and 20% of men) is KINDNESS! Be
thoughtful, generous, considerate. This is also why housework is considered
an aphrodisiac for many women. They realize they have help, they are not in
it alone…and that makes them feel very “appreciative,” safe, warm and
loving. However, if they don’t feel the connection, you’ll often here this
partner say, “How can you expect me to be sexual with you when you’re so
critical…and you don’t help out. I’ve asked you again and again and you
don’t care…I’m tired of asking.”
When the subject of time is brought up in the area of sexual intimacy,
common questions revolve around frequency. How often are couples around
the globe having intimate relations? We answer this question with a bi-modal
curve….2! Two times and month AND two times a week. The average sexual
experience for a man is, again, 2….two minutes in length. However, for a
woman to reach orgasm requires 7 – 14 minutes. We have a basic math
problem…no wonder time spent in foreplay doing or saying things that are
considered ‘attractive’ to your partner are so important when it comes to how
you spend your time attracting your spouse. Ladies, the way for a man to
pass the 2 minute drill is consistent sexual experiences. Help your man
become a lover to you…help him raise his stamina.
Two other points of interest:
1) The National Bureau of Economic Research completed a 2-year study
throughout North America. The conclusion? Couples that were having regular
sex (twice a week) equated to a $100,000 increase in income in terms of
2) Oxytocin high = SOS (Skin on Skin.) Men need three times more
touching than women. Most men in their private moments will tell me they
She needs privacy…..it’s very difficult for a woman to feel sexual if she
doesn’t feel her love making to is not sacred and private. In other words, it
will be very difficult for her to focus on him sexually, if they have guests over
for dinner. “Make yourselves at home…chips are on the counter…”
Children are the anti-sex. They are always around. Use the locks on your
doors. Do not neglect the needs of each other until the children are 18.
Men, a woman’s body is forever changed after children…her breasts have
gone from these beautiful erogenous zones to public utilities…she is being
pulled on all day long…and then you come home! If you had children
hanging on a part of your anatomy all day long you’d likely not be interested
in being touched either.
Men, her body is forever different.
Women, his body hasn’t changed….do not neglect him. Be careful how you
reject him…..men will eventually shut done. If you have a husband who
argues with you about sex, consider yourself blessed…because at least it’s
on the table.
It’s easy to argue, “Johnny needs me.”…..but guess what Johnny needs more?
A mom and a dad who stay happily married.” Young marrieds, watch yourself
during this time. Men, get a clue…she is tired. Help her…let her get her rest.
Let her take a nap! You take the children…let them peel your brain back for a
Men and women were asked to rank what’s most important to them in the
interest of SEX, FOOD and SLEEP. (men ranked it in that very order….women,
rated these in direct reverse: SLEEP, FOOD, SEX.
When one man focuses totally and completely on one woman. Men, if you
want a really great sex life, stop looking at other woman. Make your wife
your only source of sexual desire and fulfillment. Try it for 90 days. Make
that woman your only source of sexual input. Stop noticing anyone else……
again, the majority of women are brain-ready not body-ready when it comes
to sexual wiring. Without complete exclusivity, she knows it…and feels it.
This holds true for women, as well. Sometimes that ‘other party,’ however,
can reference inordinate amount of energy we give a child or parent, work
project or community event.
Regardless of whether your set point is high or low, autogenic or
psychogenic, the most important aspect of satisfying sexual intimacy within
marriage is the desire to have it be great and the willingness to do what it
takes to achieve it.
A former radio host of Bonneville’s “Dr. Liz Hale Show,” Dr. Liz has become a
household name to many. As Studio 5’s resident shrink, she discusses a wide
variety of hot-topics ranging from sex to stress. (Sometimes all in the same
Dr. Liz is a transplant from Seattle, Washington, although “a few” years ago
was a college co-ed cheering for the Utah State Aggies. While USU football
hasn’t changed through the years, she remains a loyal fan.
Dr. Liz, a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, has been in private practice for 12
years specializing in marriage and family relations. She currently serves as a
board member on the Utah Commission on Marriage and is a popular
speaker at their annual conference.
Her greatest joy in life comes from being with her own family and working
with other families along the Wasatch Front at her downtown SLC practice.