Get curious in an argument, not defensive. 6 rules for handling tough conversations

You can understand the other person better when you don’t get defensive in an argument.

Arguments can catch us off guard, escalating quickly before we even realize it. However, with the right skills, we can manage conflicts more effectively.

Studio 5 Relationship Contributor Dr. Matt Townsend shared his golden rules for handling tough conversations.

1. Slow Down

The first rule is to slow down. Matt emphasized, “A slower burn is better than a fast burn.” By taking a moment to breathe and think, we can prevent arguments from spiraling out of control.

2. Turn on Discovery Mode

Instead of going into defense mode, switch to discovery mode. “Every one of us has to either go into discovery, which is where we’re inquiring, we’re curious, we’re wondering what’s going on, or we go into defense mode,” said Matt. Being curious helps us understand the other person’s perspective better.

3. Check In with the Other Person

Before diving into a serious conversation, check if the other person is open to it. Matt advised, “Are they in defense mode? Or are they in discovery mode?” This helps ensure that both parties are ready for a constructive discussion.

4. Monitor Vital Signs

Throughout the conversation, keep an eye on three vital signs: negative emotion, misunderstanding, and trust. If you notice negative emotions rising, misunderstandings increasing, or trust diminishing, adjust your approach. “If those signs are going up and it’s getting more intense, you need to back out and get curious again,” Matt suggested.

5. Maximize the Middle

Focus on common ground. Matt calls this “maximizing the middle.” He explained, “Listen for what you share in common and then show them. ‘You know what? I totally am with you on that. I feel the exact same way as you do.'” Finding common ground helps build a stronger foundation for the conversation.

6. Reinforce the Value of the Other

Highlight the value of the other person throughout the conversation. Matt explained, “If you truly want to create intimacy emotionally with somebody, you have to highlight that you understand their innermost being and you value it.” Reinforcing their value helps create a safe and trusting environment.

Get tickets to Matt’s Valentine’s date night on Saturday, February 8. Learn more at matttownsend.com.