A father has more influence than a mother when it comes to how a daughter feels about herself, her moral character and decision-making, her career and academic success,
and selecting a mate who is good to her and good for her.
Studio 5 Clinical Psychologist Dr. Liz provides some inspiration to for father-figures.
The fears that I most often hear from fathers regarding rearing their daughters is “I don’t have a clue about how to father a daughter because I was a son.” Real fathering is not about biology – it is about the conscious choice to build an unconditional, unbreakable bond to another human being.
The greatest misunderstanding between many fathers and daughters is how much they are loved by the other. I had lunch with a dear friend recently who was sharing her pain over the distant relationship she had with her father. One day her mother said to her, “Well, you know how very much your father loves you, don’t you?” And my friend paused for a minute and said, “No, I really don’t. When was I supposed to learn that?” Even if there is pain and disappointment, we have to be willing to examine how our fathers did express their love amidst a society that emphasizes mother-daughter connections much more than father-daughter bonds.
What’s interesting is that when parents pass away, daughters usually have the most regrets over not getting to know and being closer to their fathers.
Father’s roles have changed a great deal over the years. At one time, society moved fathers almost completely out of the family system. During the Industrial Revolution and the birth of the assembly line, fathers started commuting farther away from home, working longer hours, and doing less and less with their children. Parenthood was basically motherhood!
A fellow psychotherapist stated that when he and his sisters played house as children, his sisters would dress him up as the father and send him out on the patio for a couple of hours and shut the door. Because that’s what dads did. They went away to be providers.
BROOKE: Growing up, we learned that a father’s primary role is to provide for his family. But too often we equate the word “provide” with “wallet”. The more we buy into the strict expectations of a narrow, money-based definition of the father-provider role, the more dads’ will miss out. A father’s impact is in the details of the day. It’s when he’s engaging with a child while he’s changing their dirty diaper, walking the midnight-floor calming a colicky baby, or listening to his daughter read her first books.
The greatest opportunity to deepen and strengthen relationship ties with children lies in a father’s never-ending, mundane, routine, and daily-caring for his children.
Women can either help or hinder her husband’s role as a father. It’s called Maternal Gate-Keeping. Women often say they want more help from husbands…and then criticize them for putting their toddler in “that one outfit that doesn’t even come close to matching.” As women, we secretly hold the belief that we are better nurturers; and the result is often a boss-employee relationship. Men often feel that they are nannies on the verge of being fired!
The key to unlocking gate-keeping is for Dad’s to exemplify that they are committed and trust-worthy in the co-parenting process. Fathers can’t afford to offer piecemeal volunteering; “now-and-then.” For example, instead of getting the kids dressed in the morning “now-and-then,” they would dress the kids everyday to show reliability and gain their wife’s trust. Parenting are is no longer a mother’s specialty, and moms need to back away from whatever task her sweet husband is handling. Let dads develop a style of their own.
Here are a few tips for fathers wanting to develop closer bonds, especially, with their daughters:
Listen and Trust What Your Daughter Feels
Listening is the single most important thing a father can do to strengthen the bond with his daughter. A girl’s voice is the most valuable and threatened resource she has. We live in a world where girl’s voices are silenced. When you provide your full attention, you amplify your daughter’s voice and strengthen her belief in herself. While it can be painful to listen when she is feeling sad or angry, have the courage to listen, and do not prevent, deny, or end her painful experience.
Find Physical Activities to Enjoy Together
Play catch, Frisbee, basket ball, soccer, go hiking…you name it. Physically active girls are less likely to get pregnant, drop out of school, or put up with an abusive partner. Most physically active girls have fathers who are physically active right along with them.
Respect a Daughter’s Uniqueness
Advertisers spend billions of dollars every year to convince daughters that they don’t look “right.” Don’t buy into it as their father and teach them not to do so, as well. Urge her to love her body and to be grateful for what her body can do as she enjoys sports, dancing, or running, and warn her against dieting. Make certain that your daughter knows you love her for who she is; see her as a whole person, capable of anything!
Get Involved in Her World
Volunteer, chaperone, coach, drive, direct, read to her class….anything to show up in your daughter’s life! One father I know of volunteered as a basketball coach. He was so appalled by the gym his 9-year-old daughter’s team had to play in, he fought to have the boy’s new modern gym opened up to the girls. He succeeded. Dads make a difference when they get involved!
Bottom Line: To fathers, I implore them to spend more alone-time with their daughters, whether their daughters are pre-teens at home or grown women living out on their own. Use that time to share your life with her, and ask meaningful, personal questions about her life. Give your daughter the gift of getting to know you, and give yourself the gift of getting to know her.
Additional Sources:
www.dadsanddaughters.org
www.Daughter.com
www.Mindonthemedia.org
www.Newmoon.org
Dads and Daughters, by Joe Kelly.
If you have some questions for Dr. Liz about these segments or her private practice, you may contact her through e-mail: drliz@ksl.com.
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