Gray Divorce: The rise of separating later in life and 4 ways prevent it

Staying connected can help prevent a gray divorce.

Gray divorce refers to the phenomenon of couples separating later in life, typically when they are 50 years old or older. This trend has seen a significant increase, with the gray divorce rate doubling and expected to triple by 2030.

Studio 5 Parenting Contributor Heather Johnson delved into the reasons behind this rise and its impact on families.

Why Is Gray Divorce Increasing?

Several things are contributing to the increasing rate of gray divorce:

1. Reduced Stigma Around Divorce: Divorce is no longer as stigmatized as it once was. Heather noted, “Divorce is now just part of daily life. So, if someone is unhappy in their 50s, 60s, even 70s, it’s a lot more comfortable to choose to get divorced than it used to be.”
2. Individualism and Flexibility: There is a growing emphasis on individual happiness and flexibility. People are more inclined to pursue what makes them happy, even if it means ending a long-term marriage. Heather explained, “We’re starting to value great flexibility… we like the flexibility of being able to just jump over and try something new.”
3. Empty Nest Syndrome: Many couples stay together for the sake of their children. Once the children leave home, couples may find they have little in common.
4. Retirement Phase: Retirement can be a challenging transition for couples who haven’t grown together over the years. Heather said, “They look at each other and they don’t have a ton in common. They’re not really sure what they’re going to do together.”

The Impact on Families

Gray divorce can have major effects on families, particularly adult children and grandchildren. Heather highlighted that adult children might be more affected by their parents’ divorce later in life than if it had happened when they were younger. She stated, “It’s going to erode what’s been stable, and that looks at the family relationships and the rituals and traditions that those families have enacted.”

This instability can lead adult children to question their own relationships and marriage. Heather noted, “They start to doubt their capacity or ability… they start to worry that, ‘Well, I’m getting into this now and look what happened to my parents.’”

Staying Connected

To prevent disconnection and potential divorce later in life, Heather suggested couples ask themselves four key questions:

1. What Is Our Next Chapter?: Discussing the future can help couples stay connected. Heather advised, “Ask each other what that next chapter is. It puts us in a position where we’re having conversations with our spouse about hopes and dreams.”
2. What Are We Modeling for Our Children?: Couples should remember that they are role models for their children throughout their lives. Heather emphasized, “We are always role models for them, and we don’t often remember that.”
3. How Do I Contribute to Our Problems?: Self-reflection is crucial. Heather suggested, “We should be able to look at ourselves and ask, ‘Okay, where do I fall short? Where am I contributing to these problems?’”
4. What Skills Have We Developed Together?: Recognizing and appreciating the skills developed over the years can strengthen a marriage. Heather encouraged couples to “talk about how we met in the first place” and express gratitude for the skills they’ve developed together.

Hope for Those Experiencing Gray Divorce

For those going through a gray divorce, Heather offered words of hope and encouragement. She stressed that divorce does not define a person and should not be seen as a failure.

Maintaining family rituals and traditions is also important to create stability during this challenging time. Heather concluded, “Do whatever it takes to protect your rituals. Make sure you recognize this has nothing to do with you. It has nothing to do with your worth as a parent.”

To contact Heather for counseling, email blog.familyvolley@gmail.com, or visit www.familyvolley.blogspot.com.