Studio 5 Relationship Coach Matt Townsend breaks down the couple connection.
Spending Time Relaxing Together
Men are wired to be protectors and providers. Inherent in this wiring is the ability to deal with higher levels of the stress over longer periods of time. Research shows that the male brain is better at absorbing and processing the stress hormone “cortisol” than the female brain. Men are constantly processing stress and yet, because they seemingly do it so well, many women tend to think that men are not feeling much stress at all. When a husband comes home from work, he loves to be home because it is a place where he can let down the walls, turn off the “charm” and try to recharge the batteries. Women tend to see their partner relaxing and get mad because, “How can they just sit there and relax, when there is so much stuff that still has to be done”. Women tend to push so they can relax and men tend to relax so they can push. Usually these two approaches are at odds with each other; however both can be easily served. The key to connecting with a man is to learn to relax with him. Here are some things to try:
o Set a time when work around the house is turned off.
o Commit to watching a show together every day or going on some outing.
o Get comfortable just relaxing or vegging out for a minute.
o Look happier, sound happier, and be happier!
o Smile once in a while.
Talking About the Good in Life
Believe it or not, men want to talk just as much as women do. In fact, research shows that men and women use virtually the same amount of words a day. The only difference is how men and women use words. When men talk we tend to keep our egos engaged in the conversation which means we’re constantly monitoring our social status in the conversation. The minute someone begins to talk negatively about a man, or bring up their problems or inadequacies, men tend to either get angry and defend or run for the hills. You’ll know if you’ve impacted your husband’s ego if he’s ever said that you sound like his mother or to quit nagging him. Because men have this “hyper ego” they are very sensitive to negative words, moods and tones. They don’t want to be a project or to be constantly corrected or managed. In order to connect with a man through words try some of the following.
o Compliments go a long way, so focus on the positive.
o Tell him specific things that he does that really make a difference to you.
o Point out when you feel safe with him.
o Acknowledge things he does that are special.
o Tell him how thankful you are for him.
o Communicate how you’re attracted to him.
o In the end, a man just wants to know you respect him.
Touch: Five Servings a Day
Obviously touch is important to men as it tends to be one of their top complaints and some research claims that men need four times more touch than women do. In my experience, I’ve found that women want just as much touch as men do, they just don’t want it to always lead to sex. A little truth for you women to understand is that men are going to want sex with you whether you’re touching them in the day or not. So you may as well just touch your partner more throughout the day so you can both feel more connected. You can also use your higher level of connection to help set clearer expectations about sex and touch. In the end, men bond through touch. The fastest and easiest way to connect to your man is through consistent and clear signs of affection and touch throughout the day. The goal is five servings of touch every day. Test it out and see how it makes you feel. Here are a few examples that might help:
o Make a ritual of cuddling in bed every morning, with two simple rules; no groping and no griping.
o Hold your partner’s hand when you go out into public.
o Touch his knee when you’re sitting together in a meeting.
o Hug your partner every time he comes home or leaves for work.
o Kiss and hug your man in front of the kids.
o Ask if you can massage his shoulders or back while watching a movie.
Sharing an Activity Together
Men are very action oriented. It is through our actions, or what we do, that men tend to define themselves and their level of success in life. That is why men’s conversations at a party tend to turn quickly toward the occupations, hobbies and activities in which they are involved. Action is also important to men because it is how we bond with the people around us. When a man is trying to build a relationship with a client, he might take them golfing or out to lunch. When a dad is trying to bond with his child it will usually include shooting some hoops in the driveway, wrestling in the living room or doing some family activity. Because action is how men are most inclined to bond, then a great way to connect to him is to participate in activities together. It will mean a lot to him if you take the time to get involved in some of his activities. Here are a few activities that you might want to try:
o If your partner plays video games, make an appointment to play videos with him on a regular basis.
o Find a way to attend some of the sporting events he loves to watch.
o Take a walk together.
o Work on your yard or garden together.
o Help him study his school work.
o Join him and the kids when they are playing a game together.
o Schedule a date night that includes activities like miniature golfing or bowling.
o Make a list of things you used to do together while dating and start doing the list.
For more relationship advice, register for:
Date Night with Matt Townsend
“The 7 Basic Needs”
Friday, February 11
7:00 pm to 9:00 pm
$35 per couple
Location: Noah’s in South Jordan