We strive for independence, but that might not be the ultimate end goal.
That implies that we want to be strong by ourselves, when our lives are
more complex than that.
Studio 5 Relationship Coach Matt Townsend analyzes how to be
independent and interdependent.
In life everyone is after the Holy Grail of Independence. For me though, the
real journey is not to become more independent, but instead to become
more interdependent. What good is being stronger by ourselves, if we
can’t use it to be closer to others? My belief is Independence first,
Interdependence forever! Here are four keys to creating more
independence in your life and interdependence in your relationships.
Remember Your Independence is Already in You!
Your independence is already inside of you. You are already empowered
with the agency and the ability to be response-able. Response-Able means
that you recognize that you are THE actor in your life. Only you can take
credit or blame for the thoughts, feelings, actions and results of your life.
Becoming independent means that you take charge of what you are
becoming and exercise your influence over every part of your life. You
recognize fully that you can’t control everything that happens to you in
your life, but you can control how you respond and deal with everything
that happens in your life. One essential key to living responsibly is to lose
the stories that hold you back in your life. Eliminate the list of things you
can’t do, don’t know how to do or are afraid to do, and start focusing on
what you CAN do.
Live Out of Love, Not Fear
Nothing inhibits a person’s independence and interdependence in life more
than fear. Fear keeps us from offering our best self to the world. Fear has
stopped people from sharing their voice, standing up for the needy, or
offering our talents to the world. Nothing can create more of a sense of
freedom and independence in the life of a person than to begin to
eliminate the fears of our life. One of the fastest ways to eliminate fears is
to increase our love. When we change our motives from a focus on
ourselves, our images or our positions, we can begin to serve others out of
love. Instead of worrying what could happen to you or your family
tomorrow, find a way to serve and be with your family today. Instead of
falling into a state of being overwhelmed about the community service
project you volunteered for, shift your thinking to how many lives will be
positively impacted by the service you give. Instead of obsessing on how
your clothes fit or don’t fit on your body, be grateful for your health and a
body that can help you serve and love others more.
Start With the Gifts That Are Already Yours
“Top performance fosters independence of action!” People who are the
best at what they do, tend to have a lot more independence, freedom and
choices than those who perform at the lower levels. One way to maximize
your independence is to maximize your own talents, skills and abilities. I
would suggest that you start with the skills and talents you already possess
instead of overwhelming yourself with a list of things you must learn. One
gift which I believe most women have already been given an enormous
advantage in, is the ability to nurture and communicate with others. Use
your skills of attention to others, empathy, reading nonverbal cues and
communication to increase your own sense of independence. These
abilities give you a huge advantage in your relationships with others and
can give you incredible insights and opportunities to create more
interdependence. Use your communication skills to share your voice and
opinions with others in a way that lifts instead of lowers. It is not enough
to just know you have the ability or gifts to be a nurturing person. Real
independence comes when you are actively using those gifts to “Be” the
nurturer that you know you should be.
Focus on Your Essence Not Your Ego
You are already empowered, meaning that the power is already inside you.
You are already independent, you just don’t know it. Like the large circus
elephant who is only being held by a small rope tied around its leg, you are
already independent, but you must lose the ineffective thinking that keeps
you feeling you are trapped. You are already powerful beyond measure.
You already have the peace inside you and you need to start noticing when
you are feeling it. I call that the battle between your
ego and your essence. Your essence is the “real you” that comes out
occasionally when you feel peaceful, confident, sure and strong. It’s how
you feel when you serve a neighbor or late at night when you’re alone
holding a baby, or when you quietly serve or lift or are focused on the
wellbeing of another. Those selfless feelings aren’t just new feelings
because you’re doing something good, they are who you really are and are
being felt again because you’re aligned to the real you. Our problems in
life come when we get caught up in our ego and all of those other things
that we think make up who we are. Our obsessions with our bodies,
things, cars, homes, jobs, relationships and “what’s in it for me?” are all
distractions from essence. We then focus on these “things” like they are
essential to who we are and begin comparing or competing instead of
sharing and loving. This confusion actually weakens us and steals our
sense of independence, making us all more dependent on “things” rather
than focused on “Being” the right person. In the end, the fastest way to be
independent is to learn to stay in your essence and out of your ego. Look
for the peace, instead of the perfection!
Date Night, March 23, 2012
“Learning To Love Your Partner Their Way”
Past Date Nights Online for $1 enter code: Studio5