How to Communicate Family Values without Seeming Self-Righteous

How many times has one of your children been asked to do something by
one of their friends that ran against your family rules or values? Not
something illegal or unethical, just simply something that you and your
family have chosen not to do or participate in like having sleepovers when
they’re too young or going boating on Sundays. How do you communicate
your differing values with others without either coming off as judgmental
or fanatical?

The reality is that this is the perfect time to strengthen the relationship and
learn more about each others values and beliefs. Here are four steps that
can help you share without the scare!

Show the Spirit of Caring Not Correcting

· If you are coming off as self-righteous you are probably showing that
you care more about correcting the action than caring for the people.

· Remember the principle, “I don’t care how much you know until I know
how much you care.”

· Caring is a spirit of acceptance, appreciation, love and understanding.
The opposite of caring is a spirit of rejection, judgment, correction and
contention.

· It really is the spirit of caring that will send your “corrective message”
to the heart of the listener.

Rule: As the spirit of caring drops, the likelihood of misunderstanding
increases.

Adapt your Message to your Audience

· If you are coming off as self-righteous you are probably not effectively
adapting your message to your audience.

· All great speakers adapt their messages to their audience instead of
forcing their audience to adapt themselves to the message.

· Every conversation has a context (the setting, background, and history
of those players in the conversation.) Make sure you understand the
context behind the conversation.

· Sharing your family values with your members of the extended family
will probably be different than how you’d share it with new neighbors
you’ve never met.

Rule: Deeply understand the context of your listener before you
decide on your content.

Share the Real Life Benefits, Not Just the Lofty Principles

· If you are coming off as self-righteous you might be talking more
about the lofty principles you espouse than the tangible benefits of the
principles.

· When sharing your values, teach the people around you the real
benefits that you and your family see by living the principles you do. Then
they don’t come off like trite phrases.

· By focusing on the benefits of the principles, you and your family will
begin to see all of the reasons why you believe like you do and that will
help others to see the benefit as well.

· Examples:

. Keep The Sabbath Day Holy-

. We have a day to be together as a family.

. We’ve actually make time to relax and nap.

. We don’t have to go out and worry about carpools or shopping.

. We actually save money.

. We get a chance to talk together as a family.

. We make time to connect with grandparents regularly.

. We try to set one day a week were we don’t have to live in the rat race.

. We feel more at peace with God by going to church and thinking of
him.

. We have a day to finally eat a healthy meal together.

. It gives us a jump start on Monday.

Rule: Spend time with your family reviewing each of your family values
and try to identify 10 tangible benefits to living every value.

Be REAL About Your “Values Experiment”

· If you’re coming off as self-righteous you might not be living your
values perfectly yet and maybe need to communicate that when talking to
others.

· Remember that all of us are trying to be better human beings and we
are all falling short of our goals. Most of us do not live up to all of the
values we espouse.

· Examples of ways to share your values:

o Use words like “We’re trying to live…”, “We’re working on …” to show
that your values are a work in progress.

o Express how important your values are to you and why and then
explain how hard they are to live and why you keep trying so hard.

o Be self-deprecating about how not perfect you are and how hard you
struggle to live everything you want to.

o Be willing to discuss with them the things they do that are against your
family values. Find the positives in their activities and don’t just go quiet.
“Man, I bet the theatres are empty on Sunday.”

o Remember that it’s natural to want to do things against your values.
You can feel that pull and still live your values.

o Don’t go quiet, shut down or walk away from the conversations where
you feel uncomfortable. The only way to change the conversation is if you
stick around.

Rule: Use language and the conversations to show your friends that
you are more alike than apart, just two humans struggling to live better
lives with their families.