These habits are how connected couples achieve marriage stability.
Some couples seem to have an unbreakable bond, making marriage look effortless. However, true connection isn’t something that just happens. Highly connected couples have habits that keep their marriage strong.
Studio 5 Marriage & Family Contributor Dr. Liz Hale shared the habits that set these couples apart.
The Love Lab
Marriage has been studied extensively over the years. In the 1970s, the alarm bells went off due to a sudden increase in divorce rates. Social scientists, worried about the impact these divorces would have on children, set out to discover the ingredients of healthy, lasting relationships. Dr. John Gottman was one of those researchers. In the 1980s, he brought couples into the “Love Lab” at the University of Washington. Dr. Liz explained, “He brought in thousands of couples that live together for 24 hours at a time. He had these wonderful electrodes to measure blood pressure and heart rate and even the amount of sweat that individuals had.”
From this data, Dr. Gottman separated the couples into two major groups: the masters and the disasters. He found that the more physiologically active the couples were in the lab (the disasters), the quicker their relationships deteriorated over time. In contrast, the masters had low physiological arousal. The “Love Lab” continues to this day in the northwest.
Dr. Liz emphasized the importance of the Love Lab’s findings, saying, “The whole key is to be kind of staying calm, cool, and collected as much as possible. It’s not easy to do, but to know that that is the train where we want to head, I think is really helpful.”
Highly Connected Couples Habitually Build Trust and Intimacy
One of the key habits of highly connected couples is trust and intimacy. These couples show a lot of emotional and physical comfort for each other in their marriage. Dr. Liz emphasized the importance of staying calm, cool, and collected to maintain trust and intimacy.
She said, “Ways to do that would really be finding out how to, when you’re flooded, giving yourself a time out. 20 to 30 minutes of really doing something very different other than rehearsing what you’re going to say when you come back to the table.”
Highly Connected Couples Show Interest and Support
Another habit is showing interest and support. Dr. Gottman’s follow-up study discovered the concept of the bid for connection. When a partner makes a bid for connection, the response can be turning towards, turning away, or turning against. Highly connected couples respond favorably nine out of ten times.
Dr. Liz noted, “Those couples that are the marriage masters doing very well, they respond favorably, towards, nine out of ten times.”
Highly Connected Couples are Appreciative and Grateful
Being appreciative and grateful is another crucial habit. Happy couples scan the environment for things their partner did right and appreciate them. This change of perspective can significantly impact the relationship.
Expressing appreciation for each other is a habit that strengthens the bond between couples. Dr. Liz emphasized the importance of recognizing and appreciating the positive actions of your partner. She mentioned, “Happy couples, the marriage masters, are scanning for what their partner did right and then they appreciate it and they tell them.”
Highly Connected Couples are Habitually Kind
Kindness is the number one predictor of marriage satisfaction and stability. Partners who treat each other with kindness and emotional stability have stronger relationships. Dr. Liz highlighted the importance of kindness, saying, “Kindness makes all the difference. Partners who treat each other with contempt and criticism, that’s a death knell to relationships.”
Emotional stability is closely linked to kindness. Couples who maintain emotional stability are better equipped to handle conflicts and stress. Dr. Liz pointed out that emotional stability helps in staying calm and collected, which is crucial for a healthy relationship.
Listen to Dr. Liz’s Stronger Marriage Connection podcast here.
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