Studio 5 Relationship Coach Matt Townsend walks us through some ways to learn to be more patient.
1. Recognize the “Danger” Signs Early- The sooner one can identify you are about to go off the impatience cliff, the better the chance of actually avoiding it. Some basic signs or cues to watch out for are:
1. Starting to feel angry.
2. Starting to have negative thoughts about the other or the situation.
3. Increased Misunderstanding
4. An increased need to fight or flight.
5. Values and Priorities start to get skewed.
2. Pause & Get In the Higher Brain- One of the most important ways to ensure that you can remain patient is to make sure that your brain doesn’t create chemistry that turns on the fight or flight responses. The best way to do that is to learn to pause and immediately get out of your reactive brain (amygdala) and into your effective brain (neo-cortex). A couple of easy ways to do this is:
1. Asking yourself a reflective question3. Intentionally Learn Why You are Impatient- I’ve found in moments of impatience or frustration with others we usually don’t actually learn in the moment but do all that we can to just get over the experience and move on. Our goal is not perfection here, just improvement. If we’re improving every day, than perfection is inevitable. I have found if we can intentionally learn why happened to us in that moment of “impatience” or when we lost our cool we will have a better chance of preventing situations like that in the future.
1. What happened the last time this went down?
2. What part of the problem am I?
3. What do I want most here?
4. What were my goals today?
2. Try to put in all into a bigger perspective?
1. Does this really matter?
2. Will this really matter tomorrow?
3. Find empathy for the other person
1. When have I ever acted like this person?
2. What is it like to be them?
1. Learn about your4. Exercise Your Character and Change- Once we have “learned” what we need to learn to improve, than we need to engage our character and change. Character is choosing to live according to our values and principles and not following our moods or reactions. The best voice to follow as to how you should change is your own conscience. Whatever your conscience tells you to do to improve your impatience should be followed. It is your best and most accurate guide.
3. Pet Peeves
4. Character Issues.
2. Create the right conditions
1. What are the conditions that create stress
3. Recognize Patterns and create new answers
1. Going late to church, ended up leaving early.
4. Turn on the four lights by asking yourself the following question?
1. Self Awareness- Why am I getting so angry?
2. Empathy- What is the others needs and wants?
3. Vision- What do I want most in life?
4. Conscience- What is the most important thing I can do today?
1. Follow your Conscience
1. What’s the most important thing I can today to improve my patience today? And Do it!
2. Set Goals to improve
3. Share the goals with others.
4. Apologize to those you offend.
5. Create a healthier protocol
1. Time Outs-Often it’s best just to walk away for a few minutes. Take a break from the situation, just for 5-10 minutes, let yourself calm down, plan out your words and actions and solution, and then come back calm as a monk.
2. Ask others for their help- Enroll your partner or kids to help you be more patient.
3. State your frustration.
4. Focus on the bigger picture
5. Count to 10
6. Take deep breaths
7. Pause/Suspend- Take a deep breath.
8. Find something else to do instead
9. Go to your happy place
For more information, you can contact Matt at the Townsend Relationship Center in Sandy or online at www.marriagemattersutah.com