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It’s in the little things. 4 small actions that make or break a marriage

The little things make a big difference.

It’s not always the grand gestures or sweeping romantic moments that define a great marriage.

According to marriage and family therapist Nikki Harmon, marriages are made of small things that make a big impact. Whether you’re newlyweds or have been married for years, Nikki shared four small ways to strengthen your relationship.

 

  1. Respond Positively to Bids

A “bid” is a term coined by John Gottman, a renowned expert in marriage relationships. A bid is anything your partner does to seek your attention, from suggesting a walk to commenting on the weather. Nikki emphasized, “Couples who respond positively to the majority of their partner’s bids have more success in their relationship.”

Imagine you’re sitting on the couch, engrossed in your phone, and your partner mentions something about the weather. You have a choice: to respond, ignore, or dismiss it. Responding positively, even to such small bids, can significantly enhance your emotional connection.

  1. Use a Soft Startup

How you start a conversation, especially a difficult one, can predict its outcome. Gottman’s research shows that the first three minutes of an argument can determine whether a couple stays together or not. A harsh startup can lead to disconnection, while a soft startup helps maintain emotional attunement. Nikki advised using “I” statements, such as “I feel frustrated that the dishes aren’t done,” instead of blaming statements like, “You’re so lazy.”

Think about the last time you had a disagreement. Did you start the conversation with accusations or with a calm explanation of your feelings? The way you initiate these conversations can set the tone for the entire discussion.

Complaints are about specific behaviors, while criticism attacks your partner’s character. For example, saying, “You didn’t do the dishes last night,” is a complaint, whereas, “You’re so lazy,” is a criticism. Overgeneralizing with phrases like “You always” or “You never” can also lead to unproductive arguments. Being specific helps keep the conversation focused on the issue at hand.

It’s easy to fall into the trap of criticism, especially when emotions are high. However, focusing on specific behaviors rather than character flaws can make your partner more receptive to change.

  1. Assume Positive Intent

Assuming the best of your partner can go a long way in maintaining a healthy relationship. Nikki suggested pausing and considering that your partner might have a valid reason for their actions. This approach helps prevent unnecessary conflicts and fosters a more supportive environment.

For instance, if your partner forgets to do something, instead of immediately assuming they don’t care, consider that they might have been preoccupied with something important. This shift in perspective can reduce misunderstandings and build trust.

  1. Be Able to Give and Receive Apologies

Apologizing and accepting apologies are crucial for a healthy relationship. Nikki noted that a true apology must be backed up with action. It’s important to acknowledge mistakes and allow your partner space to make amends.

Pride can often get in the way of a sincere apology. However, being able to say, “I did this wrong, and I’m sorry,” and genuinely accepting your partner’s apology can heal many wounds. Remember, an apology without change is just empty words.

These small, consistent actions can make a significant difference in your marriage. As Nikki put it, “It’s the consistent small things that can make or break a relationship.” By responding positively to bids, using soft startups, distinguishing between complaints and criticism, assuming positive intent, and being able to give and receive apologies, you can build a stronger, more connected relationship.


For more insights and support, you can find Nikki at the Family Therapy Clinic in American Fork. Follow Nikki on Instagram, @nikkiharmontherapy, and visit her website, nikkiharmontherapy.com.

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