Sometimes the caring things we do miss the mark. But don’t give up, we
have expert advice on how to meet your man’s needs.
We often hear one particular gender say to another, “Can’t we just cuddle
tonight?” But it might surprise you to know just who is saying it more,
according to an international study of 1,000 couples. The answer: men!
According to the Kinsey Institute, kissing, cuddling, and caressing predict
relationship satisfaction in men. Now, that’s new information! No wonder we
are a bit perplexed when it comes to meeting a man’s needs.
We live very one-sided, at times. For instance, when a young woman is dating
a young man, what advice do we often give her? “Pay attention to how he
treats his mother. It will give you a good indication of how he’ll treat you!”
But where is the similar advice we offer to our young men? In that same light,
I think we get away with bad behavior more than men do. Sometimes, we are
A MAN NEEDS TO PLEASE ~ LET HIM!
“Needs” is always an interesting conversation in my office. We all know we
don’t marry to get our needs met; we marry to learn how to love, to learn
how to become more refined, and more like the woman (or man) we are most
proud of! Having said that, I think there is erroneous misreading that often
goes on in the couples I see. He hears his wife say, “I’m just not excited
about sex. I don’t want to make out. I don’t want you to touch me.” Now,
standing alone, those statements sound hopeless, to a man and a marriage.
However, this same woman also said just last night in my office, “I’m never
horny. (whatever that means)……..but he can absolutely melt my heart….and
I feel this total, deep, absolute love.” The problem was, he had no clue she
ever felt that way about him….ever. For all he knew, she despised him; she
must, because she didn’t want to make love….(I didn’t say she never did; I
just said she didn’t enjoy it; and he knew it!)She went on to list a variety of
situations that made her melt, from when he poop-scooped the yard in
behalf of their daughter, so she wouldn’t have to, to the patience he exudes
when his nieces and nephews look to him as a confidant. The list was long…
and I’m sure still incomplete!
Focus on what he is doing right! Let him know immediately – plus, and this
is a big plus – tell him what it means to you and why you like it!
A man loves to succeed in his relationship with you. We all do, but men
REALLY do! While it seems like we shifted to what a woman needs, please
remember that we are complicated and intertwined in marriage. Men want to
please YOU. That is there #1 need: To Please!
Men need to please….let him!
Tell him what you love about what he IS doing.
Tell him WHY you love certain things he does.
A MAN NEEDS A TOUCHING CONNECTION
In regards to my client who said, “Look, I just don’t enjoy sex….I’ve never
want to make-out…so not me.” There is much more to these statements. We
are missing the mark to leave it without knowing what came before in a
former marriage, childhood beliefs about sex and how she views her
husband’s current need around sex. He does not just want sex, he wants
HER! When a woman understands this, that no other replacement would do,
she starts to think of sex differently. So often I hear husbands say to their
wives, “I would rather NOT have sex at all than have sex with you when you
can’t wait for it to be over …that is much too painful!”
Guess what this particular woman does love? Backrubs…..and lots of them!
And guess what else is great? He loves to give them!! This has become their
new ritual. Skin-on-skin touch (S-O-S) is powerful for both genders, in
particular, men. They need 4-times more touch than women perhaps
because they have thicker skin and it takes more touch to register feelings.
To build safety, she requests that erogenous zones are off limits…and the
panties stay on. As he consistently honors her request, she starts to build
trust around him, sexually. He is not going to take a mile every time she
gives him an inch. Off course he may want things to go further, but they are
both enjoying giving/receiving the backrub, for now. It doesn’t mean we
can’t grow from here, but for now, in this moment and time, they enjoy a
nightly backrub. Touching increases oxytocin, oxytocin increases estrogen
and testosterone in both men and women…..need I say more?
Agree TO touch, if you would rather not BE touched.
Touching leads to more touching.
NOT touching leads to more NOT touching.
Guess how this man wants to be thanked for his backrubs? When she turns
around and squeezes his hand and says, “Thanks – that feels so great!”
Usually, he thanks her….”Thanks for letting me rub your back.” Again, men
want to please!
A MAN NEEDS TO FEEL KNOWN
I often think of the seriously inscribed words in a china shop, “DO NOT
TOUCH!” It’s important to remember that while your body has changed
drastically, and may never fully be the same, his body hasn’t. Again, what is
it that will help you, as a woman, transpire from “Mother” to “Lover?” This is
that cycle, again, where we need our man to meet our needs so that we can
best meet his needs. Men get this! We need to enlist their willing
participation. Perhaps it is time away, time for self-care, an early morning
yoga class he helps you attend by taking on the morning routine at home,
affirming what a great mother you are, etc. We need to set each other up for
success by letting the other know what makes us tick…..and what makes us
There is also personal responsibility to maintaining a sexual relationship in
marriage. What is the largest organ in the body pertaining to sex? The brain!
What do you think about all day long; use the love song on the radio to think
about your mate; and, use every chance you reapply your lipstick or chap-
stick to think about your mate. Watch your storytelling: “all he wants is sex!”
That’s not true: all he wants is YOU….sexually, emotionally, spiritually,
mentally, and physically.
A man needs to feel known.
A man needs to feel respected.
A man needs to feel wanted.
A man needs to feel needed….in ALL areas.