Have you ever found yourself fighting with your partner about the same things? It’s the same argument, but still doesn’t get resolved.
Dr. Matt Townsend shares how to slow down and take a look at yourself to see where the frustration is coming from.
Find more about Matt’s next workshop on his website, www.matttownsend.com.
Stop Having the Same Arguments
If even one of you can figure out why you’re fighting about the same things, you will gain some insight that will be useful the next time this argument comes around.
There are four questions you can ask yourself that will start to turn on some lights as to what the problem is:
Awareness-What part of the problem/solution was I?
Take some time to think about what your part in the situation was. Were you tired? Did your partner hit a trigger? Or, if there was a positive outcome, what part of the solution did you bring? If you can identify what part of the problem you are, you can at least start implementing half of the fix.
Understanding-What were the deeper needs and wants of the other?
After the argument, ask yourself what your partner was really looking for. Did they want a debate, or did they just want to feel validated? This will create empathy, which will then help you go back and address the real issue at play. Sometimes, you are mad at yourself for missing what your partner really needed. You can’t fix a need you don’t understand.
Vision-What are our highest goals and desires in this relationship?
You might not realize it, but getting in a fight may violate four of our highest principles. After a little time, ask yourself what your highest goals and aspirations are with your partner, or in life. Be self-aware and ask if you violated any of those values in the disagreement.
Conscience-What is the most important thing I can do right now to be the person I most want to become?
Maybe you need to apologize and fix the need you missed. Maybe you need to apologize for not living your values. This is the most important question because it brings you back to what your conscience is telling you.