Every one of us has a constant flow communications and interactions with others, but sadly however, most of us are rarely fully present in any of them. This lack of being present with others has us missing so many important opportunities that could positively impact our life and the lives of others.
Studio 5 Relationship Coach Matt Townsend shows how being present can be a powerful tool for your relationships.
The fruit of being present with another human being is the spirit of mutuality. Mutuality is the shared experience with another person and is a basic need of healthy enduring relationships. Mutuality confirms to others around us that we are here in the journey with them and that we have their back. There are four types of mutuality that are created when we are truly present in the space with our partners:
We tend to trust people that can stay present in the space with us. Many who struggle being in the space tend to fall prey to life’s interruptions and distractions. Technology, people, and the busyness of life tend to fill the space with a constant supply of distractions. When we are continually caught up in the “thick of thin things”, we unintentionally show our partners that we are easily distracted by “things” over “beings”. Trust however is created when we begin to gain the skills and ability to push aside the distractions, actually remain present with others, and stay fixed on focusing on what matters most in the moment.
One benefit to being present in the space with others is that you are more likely to pick up relevant information and understanding about the people that matter to you. Some experts claim that your brain picks up 40 million bits of data every second of your life. Being present would mean that you are actually becoming more aware about the information your brain is experiencing. By actually being present in the moment with your partner, you would start to notice other bits of information like their energy levels, their moods and many of their non-verbal communications. All of this added information would enhance your ability to truly understand your partner better and would give you additional insight into how best to share your feelings and concerns with them.
Think back to the time when you were first dating your partner. Don’t your remember all of the long talks you had with your partner, sitting side by side on the couch or on long walks? Do you remember how much more connected you felt, how much attention to the details that you gave? Do you remember how you felt like you understood every speck of detail about your partner and how anxiously you looked forward to every word that they would speak? Being present with our partner helps us to regain the spark and benefits of trust and understanding. This phenomenon is called attunement and it is literally when two different beings are able to focus so much on each other that we actually “tune in” our feelings to each other. When we are attuned, we literally can share similar feelings simultaneously, we more quickly sense what others are feeling in the moment, our empathy increases and our caring for the other increases. Being present allows us to watch the emotions of others and to notice those emotions play out inside of our own hearts and minds.
One of the most basic principles of growth is focus and is usually stated as, “Whatever you focus on grows!” The same is true in our relationships. Whenever we focus or are present in our relationships, we can expect to find growth. As we’ve already discussed, we can expect to find growth in mutual, trust, understanding and feelings. These principles are the glue that hold the relationships together and are usually the last things that most people actually work on. Instead of trying to build trust by quickly responding to everyone who wants you, learn instead to focus on being present with those people who matters most to you. Instead of focusing on more text messages, let’s focus on more understanding. Instead of being preoccupied with what you are feeling in every conversation, learn to be present with others and begin to multiply the feelings you can have in every conversation. In the end, Mutual Growth is the goal of all people who have learned to be present with others.
Do You Have a Partner Who Doesn’t Get It?
Download Matt’s Relationship Repair
The Art of Regaining Your Power and Your Peace
80 Minute Audio