When Love Isn’t Enough

The Complaint-
WE HARDLY DO ANYTHING FUN ANYMORE . . . OUR LIFE IS JUST SO BORING!

The Answer-
Friendship
In the end, friendship is actually more critical than fun in creating a long-term relationship. Think back to the old days when you could just hang out with friends and it was simply fun being together. Most healthy relationships aren’t just about fun! Research shows that having a close friendship and connection to each other is much more important than having fun! Friendship means we share similarities, likes, interests and we love to be with each other, even if nothing else is going on. Friendship means if we’re going to both sit home and do nothing, we’d rather be bored together than bored alone.

The Complaint-
WHEN IS IT MY TURN? WHEN AM I GOING TO START HAVING MY NEEDS MET IN THIS RELATIONSHIP?

The Answer-
Selflessness
Interestingly, a major key to creating lasting love is the Spirit of selflessness versus selfishness. The minute we start to keep score, or to fixate on when our needs are being met, we set ourselves up to start losing love rather than growing love. Long-term relationships require two people that are consistently selfless and giving, trying to meet each other’s needs without regard for their own needs. Ironically, even if one partner isn’t giving to the other fully, it doesn’t mean that your love still can’t grow for them by simply serving them selflessly. Selfless service fosters more love, even if both parties aren’t giving equally!

The Complaint-
BEING IN LOVE WITH SOMEBODY SHOULD NOT BE THIS MUCH WORK! REAL LOVE SHOULD BE EASIER!

The Answer-
Hard work –
One of the most important traits to creating long-term, loving relationships is hard work! Nothing creates more ability to build loving relationships than working hard for it. Love is not something we just stumble upon or find, but love is something we forge or work for! Most everything in life that is worth having we have to work for. Very few things that are worth anything have come free, or are easy. So the healthier couples are not the ones that are looking for a love that requires no work, but instead spend every day working to make their love a reality. They understand that by working, serving, caring for and looking after their partner, they are actually earning the love for their partner, just as parent’s service towards their children also earns them a more profound sense of love for their children. Knowing that we have to put our hard work into our marriages increases the likelihood that we will eventually earn the love we want to feel.

The Complaint-
I JUST DONT FEEL IT ANYMORE! I FEEL LIKE I HAVE FALLEN OUT OF LOVE!

The Answer-
Character or “Being In versus Feeling In”-
There’s a reason why that when we make our marital vows, we make a commitment to love, honor, and cherish ‘til death do us part, and not just until we no longer feel like it. The best judgment of whether something is going to work or not may not always be what we’re feeling at any given time, but more importantly on what we are committed to do. There’ll always be times in our relationships where we may not feel an immense sense of love and appreciation for our partner and yet we still need to “be in” the relationship. Just as there are times that we may not feel like going to school or to work or cleaning the house, and yet we still stay “in” by going to work and cleaning the house because its important, and not just because we feel like it. It’s more important that we are committed to being in the relationship instead of feeling in love. The same is true with our children when we are changing their diaper in the middle of the night. We may not always feel the feeling of love, but we could always feel the feeling of being in! In the end, commitment to doing what is hard, even when we don’t feel like doing it, is the truest sign of character in our relationships. It is also the best sign of whether we will grow the love we need to grow.