Discussing physical affection can bring up a lot of emotions.
In the hustle and bustle of daily life, romance often takes a backseat. Between work deadlines, school drop-offs, and deciding what’s for dinner (again!), the spark can dim, making your relationship feel more routine than romantic. The Studio 5 Romance Renaissance Series aims to help couples make romance a constant in their relationships.
Studio 5 Marriage & Family Contributor Dr. Liz Hale shared how to reignite physical affection.
The Complexity of Physical Affection
Liz acknowledged that discussing physical affection can stir up many emotions for couples. She explained, “Sex itself is pretty straightforward until we add the physical, psychological, cultural, and spiritual experiences and influences. Then it becomes quite complicated.” She emphasized the importance of uncrossing these wires to understand that, “bodies respond in the way they were designed to.”
The Six-Second Kiss
Liz, a fan of John Gottman, highlighted the significance of the six-second kiss. She shared, “It is really the essence of just slowing down and enjoying.” She recounted, “I got a six-second kiss this morning. It was so great. Oftentimes, my husband loved a peck, but I couldn’t stand a peck. It made such a difference. It made me feel seen, known, and loved.” She also mentioned the 20-second hug, which deepens the bond and trust between partners. Liz advised, “As soon as you start counting like 1001, 1002, you’re missing the point. The whole point is to slow down and really enjoy each other.”
Leaning into Intimacy
Liz encouraged couples to lean into sexual intimacy rather than avoid it. She stated, “Sex is really the answer because sometimes what happens with bedroom-burdened couples is that they talk about everything… but sex.” She advised couples to start with intimacy and address it head-on, discussing their desires and co-creative activities to build a delightful bond. She noted, “If you can talk about intimacy in the bedroom, that sets a precedent for talking about how we’re going to change the living room and what color we’re going to paint the wall.”
Communication and Intimacy
Liz shared a story about a couple who experienced a failed sexual interlude. She explained, “They both took a chance to say what they would do differently if they had a do-over the next night.” This exercise helped them understand each other’s needs and set the stage for better communication and intimacy. She emphasized that couples should not take things personally, stating, “When we’re talking about something so intimate as sex, we have to keep in mind that we’re holding our partner’s heart in our hands. So be gentle with it.”
Being Kind vs. Being Nice
Liz differentiated between being kind and being nice. She said, “Being nice means you can’t handle the truth, which means you can’t handle intimacy. Being kind, however, involves holding your partner’s heart gently and showing up with honesty.” She emphasized the importance of tone, stating, “Is my tone soft, gentle, and loving, or is it harsh, resentful, and cruel?” She added, “There’s a difference between vulnerable honesty and brutal honesty, and watching our tone is crucial when discussing something as tender as sexual intimacy.”
The Power of Receiving
Liz discussed the concept that receiving could be better than giving. She explained, “A woman’s femininity is based on receptivity, while a man’s masculinity is about giving.” She shared, “When I gave my husband a heart-shaped box of chocolates for Valentine’s Day, it was okay. But what made him really happy was when he gave me a box of chocolates, and I was giddy over it. Men love to make their women happy.” She referenced her colleague Laura Doyle, who suggested that women should give their men nothing for Valentine’s Day, emphasizing the importance of allowing men to be the givers.
Listen to Dr. Liz’s Stronger Marriage Connection podcast here.
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