This is how to maintain attraction in your marriage.
Becoming more attracted to your spouse isn’t about trying to fit into your old jeans or chasing your youth. It’s about focusing on the qualities that made you fall in love in the first place.
As part of our romance renaissance series, marriage and life coach Casey Caston shared three attractive attributes to help maintain attraction in your marriage.
The Definition of Attraction
Casey defined attraction as a combination of physical traits, personality, and intellect. “I think we’re attracted to three qualities, someone’s physical traits, their personality, but also their mind,” he explained.
While initial attraction may come easily, maintaining it requires conscious effort. “It is a conscious choice that we have to make to continue to take care of our body, have intellectually engaging conversations, and even dreaming about the future,” Casey said.
Emotional Laziness: The Biggest Turnoff
In 2024, Casey surveyed over 10,000 of his followers to identify reasons they find their spouse unattractive. The most common response was emotional laziness. “Emotional laziness is where one of the spouses stops putting in the energy necessary to maintain a healthy marriage,” he noted.
This can manifest as avoiding conflict, not initiating connection, and reducing conversations to mundane topics like bills and chores. “They basically become roommates,” he said. In extreme cases, this leads to a situation Casey calls “quit and stay,” where a spouse stops working on the marriage but stays physically because divorce seems too difficult.
The Importance of Emotional Activity
On the flip side, being emotionally active is crucial. “Your partner’s pursuing you, right? We all long to be desired,” Casey emphasized.
Initiation is key in relationships. “Initiating fun, initiating date nights, initiating even hard conversations. This says you care and initiation is key because you’re making an effort,” he added. “Men, listen up. There’s nothing sexier than a husband that initiates.”
Combating Meanness in Relationships
Another significant issue reported in Casey’s Instagram survey was meanness. “Hurt people hurt people,” he explained.
He stressed that meanness often stems from underlying hurt. “It’s the silent treatment, it’s critical words, it’s shaming comments.” Casey said it’s crucial to explore the source of this hurt to address the behavior.
Fostering Positivity
Negativity was another major hurdle identified in the survey. Casey suggested a practice called the “60-second blessing” to counteract this. “For 60 seconds you say all the things that you appreciate about your spouse. It makes a huge impact and it builds the relationship up with life,” he explained.
For more insights, follow Casey on Instagram at @marriage365.
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