A few practices can help you stop the tears in a conflict.
Your friend calls you out. Your boss gives tough feedback. You land in a heated conversation with your husband. You care – but you don’t want to cry.
Dr. Liz Hale shows up for the sensitive women, sharing ways to avoid the tears during high-conflict situations.
By Dr. Liz Hale
I would first ask: are tears really such a bad thing?
There is nothing wrong with crying. It is a completely natural and normal physiological response to tense situations. Have you ever wondered why you feel better after a good cry? Tears are a way for your body to release tension.
In addition to tears being self-soothing, they release oxytocin and endorphins. These chemicals make us feel good and can ease both physical and emotional pain. One study even found that crying helps babies sleep better.
What sends your tear ducts into a tailspin?
Some people cry more easily than others. Confrontation can bring up intense emotions. Some of us are just more easily triggered and overwhelmed by a raised voice, direct tone, or slight criticism. Perhaps it’s our DNA or what we learned as a kid… a kid in our family of origin. Nature versus nurture. If we aren’t raised with a lot of practice expressing feelings and pure desires, crying can become a common form of nonverbal communication.
What if we want to maintain clear eyes and dry cheeks? How do we NOT send our tears into a tailspin? How can we face a conflict at work, or a struggle with a neighbor, or have a difficult conversation with a spouse or other family member, and not have the floodgates break open?
Experiment and find a tactic that works best for you. Here are just a few tips to regulate your emotions:
Let Breathing Work for You
Changing our breathing changes our brains. Deep breathing suppresses your urge to weep. Crying is a physiological response that calms you, and so it is with slow, deep, inhales and exhales. Box breathing has been my go-to anxiety reducing practice for decades. I imagine drawing a square box with each point. Inhale for five seconds, hold that inhale for five seconds, exhale for five seconds, and now hold that exhale for five seconds.
Determine How You Want to Show Up
You can’t have more than one thought at a time, so consider a one-word mantra or phrase. “Peace.” Or, “I am calm and loving.” Not, “Oh, no I’m going to cry, I’m going to cry. I don’t want to cry!” That kind of self-talk makes you want to bawl your eyes out. Whatever you focus on grows. Envision yourself responding to a tough topic in a way that makes you feel dignified and respectful.
View Another as a Person, Not an Obstacle
Philosopher Martin Buber determined there are two ways of being in our relationships. He called them I-It vs. I-Thou. An I-It orientation means we unconsciously see others as objects or obstacles who hinder us from getting what we want.
The I-Thou orientation helps us see others as real (not objects), as human beings with their own needs, wants, feelings, and opinions as valid as our own.
We recognize that what unites us is greater than what divides us. See others as allies, not adversaries.
What is key is how I am with you in my own heart and mind.
Assign Acknowledgements Over Apologies
I often wonder if tears fall more easily if we feel we are in the wrong simply because someone else is upset. When you have a disconnect or a disagreement in your relationship, an apology is not always warranted. Use an apology for when you make a mistake or regret an action.
Other times, consider an acknowledgement – it has the power to make all the difference in the world.
When we acknowledge or validate another’s feelings, even if we don’t necessarily agree with, understand, or cause them, it conveys concern and care. Step into their shoes and see things from their perspective, offering words like, “That must have been hard for you…“ or, “I can see how this has affected you. I understand your disappointment. Thank you for sharing that with me. We are going to get through this together.”
Dr. Liz Hale is the Studio 5 Family and Marriage Contributor. She is passionate about helping relationships survive and thrive! She works hard on keeping her own relationships healthy and strong. But don’t stand in her way of a daily, sanity-maintaining brisk walk (just ask her husband, Ben!). Listen to her podcast here.
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