Start giving better apologies.
It’s not just the words “I’m sorry” that make the difference. It’s the intention behind them, and often the words that follow them.
Marriage and Family Therapist Nikki Harmon shared how to strengthen your marriage by breaking down what a sincere apology looks like. She has five ways to say “I’m sorry” that will actually address the root of the problem.
Understanding Apologies
- Surface-Level Apologies: These are quick fixes that address immediate hurt, but miss deeper emotional issues. They are sometimes sufficient, but often leave unresolved feelings.
- Deeper Apologies: These connect on an emotional level, addressing underlying issues and fostering a sense of being seen, heard, and validated.
When to Use Deeper Apologies
- Relational Issues: When there are ongoing relational problems, a deeper apology is necessary to address the emotional hurt.
- Emotional Connection: If a partner seeks an emotional connection and receives an intellectual response, it can feel like a non-response.
Examples of Deeper Apologies
- Household Chores:
- Surface: “I’m sorry I didn’t do the dishes.”
- Deeper: “I’m sorry I didn’t do the dishes. I know that makes you feel like you can’t rely on me, and I want to be a partner you can depend on.”
- Intimacy:
- Surface: “Sorry we weren’t intimate last night. I was into my show.”
- Deeper: “I’m sorry we weren’t intimate. I know that makes you feel unimportant, and I want you to know our relationship is important to me.”
- Communication:
- Surface: “Sorry I came home late and didn’t communicate.”
- Deeper: “I’m sorry I came home late and didn’t communicate. That was inconsiderate, and I understand how it worried you.”
- Financial Issues:
- Surface: “Sorry I went over budget.”
- Deeper: “I’m sorry I went over budget. That must make you feel like you can’t trust me with our finances, and I want to make decisions that align with our goals.”
- Arguments:
- Surface: “Sorry I lost my cool. You just make me so mad.”
- Deeper: “I’m sorry I lost my cool. You deserve respect even when I’m frustrated, and I want to communicate respectfully.”
The Importance of Emotional Attunement
- Connection: Regularly practicing deeper apologies keeps couples emotionally connected and reduces conflicts.
- Repairing Disconnects: Addressing small disconnects with sincere apologies prevents them from escalating into bigger issues.
For couples seeking to learn more, Nikki offers therapy sessions and resources through her clinic and social media platforms. Find her on Instagram @nikkiharmontherapy.
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