Reignite the Crush in Your Marriage

Every marriage starts out with a crush, but it can be tough to keep those
feelings going strong after years and years together. We asked Studio 5
Relationship Coach Matt Townsend to help us bring the “crush” back into
married life, and we sent him out on a 3rd wheel dating experiment.

Every couple needs to find a way to re-ignite the crush of their marriage at
one time or another. Here are five proven steps that will help along the

1. Focused Time Together Weekly

Nothing puts the spark back in your marriage better than a consistent firm
Date Night once a week. Do you remember how back in the day you and
your partner always seemed to have more passion . . . because you actually
set aside time out of your very busy schedule to be with each other? When
you were dating, you would never let anything, including your job, friends
or school get in the way of your date time. My experience tells me if you
have the time firmly etched in your schedule, you’re much more likely to
actually make sure it happens. A firm date does not include your children
and also doesn’t need to be expensive. Simply setting aside specific time
every week to be together dramatically increases the likelihood your
marriage will blossom and your crush will be renewed. You can’t feel love
together if you’re not together to feel the love.

2. A Regular Serving of New and Energizing Activities

Do you remember how back in the old dating days, you were both open to
having fun? You were willing to risk for the reward? You were willing to try
anything once? You didn’t care how crazy the activities were. It was about
having fun, connecting and just seeing if you really could connect or not.
You played games, you tried new things, and you never had the same date
twice. Many of your dates were planned out and you were both willing to
just go with the flow. Because you didn’t really know anything about each
other, you were looking for the fun, not just the familiar. Many of us, once
we start getting more and more comfortable with each other, stop noticing
the fun differences and start focusing on the more predictable and familiar
things about each other. Metaphorically we end up reaching for the warm
and cozy sweats instead of the lingerie. We focus on the familiar instead of
the fun. Research shows that when couples participate in new or more
exciting activities together, the chemistry created in the activity gets
attached to their partner they’re participating with. That way, the more fun
and exciting it gets, the more fun and exciting your partner can become.
The goal to improving your crush is simply to create new chemistry . . . so
focus your efforts more on creating more exciting activities than on
shopping for a new partner.

3. Consistent Laughs and Positive Talk

Nothing creates more chemistry than some funny conversation. One of the
fastest ways to wear your relationship out is to use your entire Date Night
to discuss difficult topics or issues with the kids. Many couples in fact have
forgotten how to have good conversations and literally just sit together on
their dates not even talking. Do you remember back to all of the old dating
days when you were carefree, and on your dates you could just talk and
talk for hours? You could talk for so long because you were curious to find
out new things about your partner. You didn’t know anything about them
so you were open to talk and laugh at their jokes, their ideas . . . and even
the mediocre ones still seemed funny. Now that you’ve been married a
while, you won’t even let your partner tell their silly old story or jokes to
new friends, simply because you’ve already heard them a million times. If
you’re struggling to find anything funny to laugh about, then simply take
your partner to a comedy club and let the comedians do the work while you
two just soak in the good feelings. In my work with couples, I’ve found
that couples that can talk and laugh together are couples that have the best
shot at rekindling the romance. The ability to actually connect verbally is
one of the biggest needs of many women, and men need to learn to
connect to a women through her ears. For many women, there is nothing
more romantic than a partner that truly wants to hear her heart and can
actually connect to the ideas and thoughts she’s sharing. Research shows
that laughter releases endorphins and dopamine that make us feel better
and help us to relax. Humorous talk actually heals us . . . so wouldn’t It
make sense that couples that laugh more together would actually be
healthier together? Personally I’ve found that there is no better aphrodisiac
than some good conversation and laughter to make both of you feel closer
together. While you’re out on your dates, pay close attention to the
conversations you are having with your partner. Listen for something new
to be said and find out something you’ve never really known about them.
Be curious, complimentary and find the humor in the conversation. Truly
try to laugh again with each other . . . and see what happens.

4. A Subtle Sense of Flirting and Connection

The fastest way to get your crush back and to get your chemistry flowing is
to get your “flirt” out of storage and put it to work. When was the last time
you actually flirted with your partner? When was the last time you saw your
partner blush because of the moves you were putting on them. Focus your
mind on how you two used to be. Use some of the old tricks you used to
use as a young dating couple. Try to replicate one of your most
stimulating and flirty dating moments. By igniting your partner’s charged
memories with a good flirt, you will also reconnect them to the good old
days, which has the potential to reignite the old chemistry as well. Single
handedly, the fastest way to rekindle the romance in your relationship is to
flirt. Do your best to engage all of their senses when you’re flirting. Touch
them more than usual, whisper something in their ear, wear perfume or
cologne, dress in a flirtier or more playful way, share some chocolate or
mints. Talk about the good old days, share stories about some of your
most fun or playful times of the marriage. Flirt in front of your children so
that they can see what a loving couple really looks like. Never neglect the
gift of a good flirt and never pass up a chance to answer a flirty overture,
with an even flirtier response. Flirt your way back into your crush.

5. A Focused Commitment on Feeding Each Other

When couples get married, most include as part of the wedding festivities
the tradition of cutting the cake. The goal of that act is not to shove cake
into each other’s faces, although that is commonly the case. Instead, the
symbol of cutting the cake is simply a symbol that we will “Feed our
partners and they will feed us.” During the ceremony you aren’t supposed
to eat your own cake, you’re supposed to feed your partner their cake. The
same is true in our marriages. We made promises that we would actually
feed each other through our entire marriage. Feeding can take place in a
variety of ways. Some feel most loved through their eyes, some through
touch, some through their ears, and others just sense they are loved
because their partner makes the time to be with them and to be present
when they are around. One of the best ways to reignite the crush is simply
to start feeding. Ask yourself the following question every day for the next
30 days — “What is the most important thing I can do today to love my
partner their way?” Then take your answer and deliver it before the end of
the day. Nothing is more guaranteed of feeding and reigniting your crush
than the constant and deliberate feeding, every day. Remember love is an
act, and not just a feeling, and the best way to get the feeling is to start the

Matt is offering a free Relationship Assessment & Coaching Session
For more information call 801-747-2121 or go to

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