Speak less, listen more! Have better high-conflict conversations using these 5 principles

High-conflict conversations can be hard to navigate.

Navigating high-conflict conversations is an art.

Studio 5 Relationship Contributor Dr. Matt Townsend has mastered it over his 25-year career. He shared five essential relationship principles that can help you build stronger, happier, and healthier relationships.

1. Control Yourself

Matt emphasized that the only person you can control in a conversation is yourself. This means managing your thoughts, reactions, intentions, and responses. When you focus too much on the other person, you become reactive, which robs you of your power in the conversation.

How to Do It

• Plan and think through the conversation beforehand.
• Mentally and emotionally prepare yourself to avoid “word vomit.”
• Maintain self-control to ensure effective communication.

2. Embrace Difficult Conversations

Avoiding tough conversations won’t lead to lasting confidence. Matt explained, “If you really want confidence with people in relationships, you’re going to have to step into the hard talk, and you’re going to have to get good at it.” Competence in handling difficult discussions builds true confidence.

Steps to Build Competence

• Read books and take classes on communication.
• Practice having difficult conversations.
• Develop the confidence to handle challenging topics.

3. Speak Less, Listen More

In high-conflict situations, less talking can lead to more impact. “The person that usually has the most power in the negotiation is the one that just listens,” Matt noted. Listening allows you to gather information, plan, and respond proactively rather than reactively.

Benefits of Listening

• Elevates the power of your words.
• Helps you understand the other person’s perspective.
• Allows you to respond thoughtfully and effectively.

4. Don’t Take Offense

It’s crucial not to take offense, especially when someone is in fight-or-flight mode. Matt advised, “You have the power to not take offense when your child tells you you’re the worst mother in the world.” Recognize that heightened emotions often lead to exaggerated statements.

How to Handle Offensive Remarks

• Stay calm and don’t react emotionally.
• Lean in and ask the person what’s really bothering them.
• Approach the situation with empathy and understanding.

5. Recognize the Significance of Every Conversation

Every interaction has the potential to influence either your life or the other person’s life. Matt believes, “Every conversation that you have with another person means that they are either there to change your life or you’re there to change theirs.” Viewing conversations as significant moments can shift your approach and reduce pressure.

Approach Conversations Mindfully

• See the other person as important and worthy of respect.
• Be open to being influenced before trying to influence others.
• Appreciate the unique opportunity each conversation presents.

For more guidance, check out Matt’s Becoming One program at matttownsend.com, where you can access content, weekly calls, and group coaching to further enhance your relationship skills.