When an Old Crush Reaches Out


In this day and age where you can re-connect with past relationships with
just the click of a button, what do you do when an old flame reaches out?

Studio 5 Relationship Coach Matt Townsend sets the ground rules.


Have you ever been amazed how a small undetected earthquake hundreds or
thousands of miles on the floor of the ocean can create an enormous
Tsunami that crushes into a coastal community? That same devastation may
also be true when an old crush or high school love who seemed so innocuous
and out of reach of your life . . . now reaches out. That simple little “tremor”
of trying to contact you can, over time, increases in energy and magnifies it’s
power until it eventually inundates your family, your life and everything you
hold dear. If you are single and looking for love, such a find could be
nothing more than a wonderful wave that I would recommend you surf and
thoroughly enjoy. If you are married however, with a family, and have a lot
invested, I would run as fast as you can away from the wave and head for
higher ground. Here are four rules to remember to avoid the destruction of a
Tsunami Crush.

Believe that Past Crushes Can Have Destructive Power There is
a reason that this person is considered an “old crush!” Remember? It already
didn’t work out. There were reasons it didn’t work out then, and there are
usually even more reasons that it won’t work out today. When you think
about them today, you’re not reconnecting to the real data or person that
they are. All you really know is what you knew 10 or 20 years ago. Combine
that history with the fact that today you are a mother or father, you’re a
husband or a wife. You have so much more to lose and so many other
people who are depending on you. Over the years you have compiled
memories, experiences and relationships that will all be put in jeopardy if
you do not take this situation seriously. As with all great Tsunami’s, it is the
distance between the two events that allows the energy to grow and
destructive power to multiply. Don’t ever minimize the potential power of an
ex-crush reentering into your life. They really are better left alone out in the
ocean where their energy can be dissipated without impacting things that
matter most to you.

Prepare and Prevent Being Damaged by a Rogue Wave With the
influx of social media, texting and online relating, more and more
relationships are being destroyed by an old spark forcing their way back into
a relationship. In order to prevent more and more of these old flames
destroying your current life, couples need to create plans to prevent the
rogue waves from crushing what matters most to you. Sit down today with
your partner and discuss the issue of past crushes and relationships. Set up
safety rules and guidelines as a couple as to what are appropriate boundaries
to keep with old flings. Personally I suggest the rule that if you have ever
dated them or been physical with them in any way, they shouldn’t be on any
of your social media sites and contact of any type should be eliminated. I
know this rule may sound extreme, but it comes from seeing literally dozens
of couples whose relationships have been completely upended by the
Tsunami of an Old Crush. Spend some time strengthening your marriage
and actively get some help doing so. Nothing will put your marriage and
family more in danger than having a weak relationship which won’t be able to
stand the test or negative energy that will come when the old crush appears.
Always live by the rule that anyone who will risk breaking up your family will
not be trustworthy to build your family with. The success rates of
relationships created in infidelity have a lower than 10% survivability rate.
The safest rule will always be to prevent impact of the Tsunami rather than
repair the problems left in its wake. Watch out for pivotal times where these
“Rogue Waves” appear like around high school reunions or gathering of old
friends. Make it a point to not discuss old crushes with your closest friends
and don’t allow yourself to entertain thoughts about them either. Remember
that it is your thoughts that tend to carry the chemistry, not the person you
dated. Be realistic with yourself and look critically at everything you have to
lose if you don’t take the precautions to protect yourself. Remember the old
saying, “It will always be better to prepare and prevent, than repair and
repent.”

Don’t Be Deceived by the Delay of the Wave Those crazy little
feelings or butterflies that we experience when we first fall in love are not
real butterflies at all, but instead are chemicals like Dopamine and
Norepinephrine. These chemicals and the thoughts that used to stimulate
you when you were with your old crush many years ago are not gone, but are
stored neatly away in your memories and thoughts of our old crush. When
an old crush emerges into your present life, those old thoughts get revisited
and the chemicals and attractions may resurface, reigniting the old flame and
elevating the person to a new and central place in your head. This burst of
chemistry is then misunderstood and compared to your boring old partner,
which is especially dangerous if you and your partner were already having
troubles in the marriage. In that moment your chemistry clouds your clarity
decreasing your ability to see your situation, leaving you more vulnerable.
The hardest part about this phenomenon is the fact that we don’t see a
connection between the chemistry of the past and the reality of our life
today. We give the feelings of past love higher credibility because it must
have been “true love” to have lasted this long and still feel so good. The sad
reality is that your body and brain are simply playing tricks on you as you
borrow chemistry from yesterday’s crush and give up everything that is
important to you in the present.

Get Yourself To Higher Ground Many in a Tsunami end up
dying because they are drawn to the beaches as the water is receding back
into the ocean, as the waves are gathering strength. Instead of heading
down hill to the inevitable scene of the disaster, turn around and head for the
higher ground in your life. Run from your more natural curiosity to be drawn
by the new and interesting distraction and head for the hills where there is
safety in what is predictable and stable. Getting to higher ground means you
return to your highest principles and values by fighting for higher principles
like selflessness over selfishness and character over chemistry. Focus on the
things in your life that have the highest meaning and worth to you like your
marriage, your family and faith. Draw these highest priorities and
relationships closer to you so that you have a better chance of hanging on to
them if the waters get dangerously high. Risk nothing and run from the
threats, always keeping your eyes fixed on your highest aspirations as a
spouse and parent. If you are afraid that you aren’t strong enough to get out
of the path of destruction then talk to people you trust who are already firmly
planted in higher ground. Talk to your parents, your spouse and pastors to
get the strength you need to become the person you want to be.



Get Matt’s Last Date Night with Peter Breinholt Online:
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www.DatenightswithMatt.com

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