You know the type. The people that can weave through a conversation with
seamless grace and ease. They work the words, smooth over any topic – and”
talk the talk” with expert skill and practice.
Studio 5 Relationship Coach Matt Townsend says anyone can learn the art of
being a natural conversationalist, by remembering four key things.
The best conversationalists are simply themselves. These are people who feel
comfortable in their own skins and aren’t trying to impress someone during a
conversation. They understand that others can tell if they are “real” or not
and are able to relax and allow the conversation to flow more naturally. To
make it feel more natural there can be no agendas or goals from the
conversation. You’ve probably noticed that the least comfortable
conversations are those where one party has a specific goal or purpose they
want from the conversation. This is why many sales conversations or
performance reviews are so uncomfortable. One key to being yourself in a
conversation is that you really have to believe in yourself and your ability to
adapt to the conversation at hand. You can’t be overly worried about how you
appear to others, or what they might be thinking about you. You can’t focus
on impressing more than understanding or being liked more than being real.
Just focus on being who you are, being true to your principles and values and
not focused on other factors outside of your control. By focusing on being
the real “you” in conversations, you’ll find that you’ll have more “real” power
and trust with those around you.
The definition of someone being a “natural conversationalist” is very
subjective depending on who you are talking with. Most people enjoy talking
to others who not only can carry their own part of the conversation but also
can help others to carry theirs. Be curious about the people you’re with. Ask
questions about what they’re doing, thinking and feeling. Notice when some
people are hanging back and invite them into the conversation with a simple
question or comment. Curiosity in others sparks trust and they will become
more willing to share what is really on their mind. Most of us love being with
people that are curious and into what we are doing and who see our lives as
interesting and beneficial.
The best content for most conversations can be found by simply being
present in the present day life. Read the paper, listen to the radio, read some
blogs, get involved in community discussions and most importantly, listen
attentively to what the people around you are saying in their everyday
conversations. Most people have the exact same needs and feelings so by
being present in their world gives you an abundance of content for your
conversations. Be present in talk around the neighborhood, community,
church groups and nation. Being present in your life gives you plenty to talk
about and keeps you current on day-to-day affairs. Being current shows that
you are up to date, interesting and living life; it also gives you an abundance
to talk about which lightens the burden on everyone else around you.
The best conversationalists are balanced, meaning they know how to create a
sense of balance between the various forces that make up a conversation.
Webster’s dictionary defines balance as “to bring into harmony or
proportion.” The best conversations are in harmony and proportioned. The
parts that need to be balanced and harmonized are:
· Taking turns, no one person should hold the floor too long.
· Your advocacy of a position and your listening to the positions of others.
· The choice of topics, the timing of conversations, the tone of the
conversation, the location and duration of a talk.
· The depth of the conversation, some want it deep and some want it light.
Nothing is more difficult than having a conversation which is always about
the other person. Eventually when you read the cues in others, you will create
more open and natural conversations for everyone involved.
In the end, all great conversationalists are simply themselves; they are real,
curious, present and balanced.
For more relationship advice, attend:
Date Night with Matt Townsend
“Building Your Relationship IQ”
Friday, September 23
7:00 pm to 9:00 pm
$35 per couple
Location: Noah’s in South Jordan